Blither and Blather
05.06.08 • "I just thought, Homecoming Queen."
05.03.08 • "We're back, Seattle. And in accordance with new station policy, we're going to be pandering to the lowest human instinct. In other words: Who wants to talk about sex? Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex."
04.28.08 • "My schedule however, is as open as my relationship with my wife. "
04.23.08 • "Road trip! Road trip! Road trip!"
04.05.08 • "And in case you haven't noticed, baby brother, Finland is the bloody North Pole. Therefore, a very special gift for you this year."
04.02.08 • "How about celibacy? Does that sound like fun?"
03.27.08 • "There will be no personal anecdotes, no comments about my job performance, no condolences or congratulations. Do you understand me?"
03.26.08 • "You can't give up on Charity, Miguel. Would Leonardo give up on Kate? Would Ross give up on Rachel? Would Bo give up on Hope?"
03.24.08 • "Well I guess that's what charity's all about: getting liquored up and spanking your neighbor."
03.19.08 • "The truth is, you're delightful. I love looking at you. I don't know what it is about tonight. Maybe it's the wine, maybe it's the way the light hits your eyes..."
03.17.08 • "I don't care it it's a porn shoot in which he is being gang-raped by a gaggle of silverback apes... if there are cameras rolling, everyone wins."
03.15.08 • "You are a child's play thing!"
03.12.08 • "To tell you the truth, I'm a little bit scared myself, but we won't let them know that, will we?"
03.10.08 • "Eating cardboard can ruin your life. You could end up in the street living in a box. Then you'll eat the box, and you'll be homeless."
02.29.08 • "Gosh, Scotland is beautiful, Uncle Gadget."
02.28.08 • "If it's not Scottish it's crap!"
02.25.08 • "Yeah, by vandalism, theft and yelling. The three pillars of Kabbalah."
02.21.08 • "I don't think they understand depression. I mean, I know what it's like to want to escape your mind and your body and... your entire life."
02.19.08 • "Okay, guys. Road trip checklist. Car: Check. Okay. We're good."
02.10.08 • "It's got something to do with my personal growth. You see, I don't care about these people anymore and you know, I want them to know it."
02.05.08 • "Do you know how hard it is to find a really good carpenter? Besides, I think he's got a brother who's a plumber!"
01.28.08 • "Hi, for those of you who've just tuned in, everyone here is a crazy person."
01.21.08 • "In this city you better learn to get along, 'cause L.A's got it all. The glamour and the grit, the big breaks and the heartaches, the sweet young lovers and the nasty, ugly, hairy fiends that suck out your brain through your face."
01.20.08 • "Attention, Flight Director Lucky. Your ego trip has been cancelled."
01.16.08 • "The chain of cause and effect amounts to a trail, if you can follow it."
01.13.08 • "Who does these things when we're too lazy or too bloated on dinners of rich food and generous portions of our own gargantuan ego?"
01.11.08 • "God, it's almost like this Kabbalah crap doesn't even work!"
01.08.08 • "What were you and your mom talking about? Your face is all puffy."
01.03.08 • "This is just perfect. I try to mold us into a family that will blend in, and what do I get? A surly teenager, a sister obsessed with a man, and a brother who drinks too much. Is there another family in the whole world like this? I don't think so!"
12.31.07 • "Hope your new year is splendid!"
12.28.07 • "You know, Chandler, you being here is the best gift I could ask for Christmas."
12.23.07 • "Were you this sarcastic before we met or is this something I have done?"
12.20.07 • "Oh, all kinds of fun. Matter of fact... things are just getting good."
12.18.07 • "Leave airport, turn right... Blah, blah, blah."
12.16.07 • "All I'm saying is, if you and I ever hope to take that cruise to the Bahamas together, we're gonna need a lot more clients with means."
12.14.07 • "So, I gotta go to Tibet, because I'm the Chosen One. Why can't anybody choose me to go to the Bahamas?"
12.13.07 • "We hope that it will be unlike anything else on this earth: a fair, amusement park, an exhibition, a city from the Arabian Nights, a metropolis of the future, in fact, a place of hopes and dreams, facts and fancy, all in one."
12.09.07 • "Do I have to change?"
12.08.07 • "She's got Tahiti written all over her."
11.22.07 • "Do you ever get tired of traveling?"
11.20.07 • "Everybody wants their first make-out to be special. Someplace romantic like Ireland, or Disneyworld."
11.17.07 • "I hope I made you happy. You gave me many beautiful moments. Rest in Peace, my love!"
11.15.07 • "I'm just so happy to be home, that's all."
11.12.07 • "If you were human, I'd say you had a severe panic attack."
11.10.07 • "I'm in the middle of Taipei. I just got free. Is Vaughn with you?"
11.08.07 • "Of course, in Thailand there is no skiing."
11.02.07 • "He'll send you to Thailand for training. If you screw around, you'll have no strength left."
10.28.07 • "We all have abnormalities in common. We're a breed apart from the rest of humanity, we theatre folk. We are the original displaced personalities."
10.27.07 • "Here's my argaroll socks straight from California, made in Taiwan."
10.26.07 • "Ever been in love?"
10.25.07 • "Because that pipe doesn't go to the marshmallow room. It goes to the fudge room."
10.22.07 • "You don't think I come out with these blinding flashes of deduction when I'm completely sober, do you?"
10.22.07 • "I gotta wait in line with nobodies to buy groceries from a failure!"
10.21.07 • "Right, birthday. Um, actually, I, I do have a thing."
10.19.07 • "Everyone knows that birthday wishes are the only ones with any real validity."
10.18.07 • "I think that you are going to continue to ignore this particular problem until it swims up and bites you in the ass!"
10.10.07 • "Darling, stop me drinking today because Saffy's threatened to leave home again."
10.08.07 • "Oh, we are *so* hunting spiders in Belize!"
10.07.07 • "Tell me, Madigan, what kind of country is that Ireland place?"
10.06.07 • "I'd never been to Belize."
10.02.07 • "And Matthew, of course, is from Neptune. I, myself, am descended from the Pilgrims who came over on the Mayflower from... Portugal, or somewhere."
09.30.07 • "That's right. About ten million people know it's Portugese."
09.28.07 • "I'm late for a meeting with Spain and Portugal!"
09.23.07 • "Look, 'Feelings,' despite what you may think of it, has always been one of the bright moments of the show, and a consistent crowd-pleaser, and consequently we have an obligation to perform it. If we didn't, the audience would be disappointed."
09.17.07 • "Y'see, jazz is like Jello pudding... no, that's not it. Jazz is like Kodak film... no, that's not right neither. I've got it, jazz is like the new Coke - it'll be around forever."
09.16.07 • "It's Britney, bitch."
09.01.07 • "There's mention some two hundred years ago in Ireland of... of Angelus, the one with the angelic face."
08.27.07 • "Change one detail and all of life changes. Do you think that one detail can just be you, and what you're willing to believe, have faith in?"
08.26.07 • "Oh, it's beautiful, it's the perfect place for meditation. Yesterday, I found Maris smack-dab in the middle sitting in the lotus position."
08.23.07 • "Man, I was a real jerk a half-an-hour ago."
08.20.07 • "Look, there is a woman in a car! Can we follow her and maybe make a sexy time with her?"
08.18.07 • "It delivered a message, as I suspected it would. I wasn't prepared for what it said. The message was just one word, one simple word: Peace."
08.16.07 • "Intelligent people don't believe in ghosts."
08.13.07 • "Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays."
08.08.07 • "No. There was something inside you I had no right to deny. Something deep, and painful."
08.06.07 • "What we are never changes. Who we are never stops changing."
08.02.07 • "This is not a business, this is show business. Punching below the belt is not only all right, it's rewarded."
07.29.07 • "Mr. December!"
07.26.07 • "Well, I read about this farmer in Canada who killed a bunch of women and fed them to his pigs."
07.24.07 • "People are just angry."
07.20.07 • "Why don't you just get a pair of white shoes, move down to Miami Beach and get this whole thing over with?"
07.15.07 • "By trying to keep a positive attitude! You might do that yourself... INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME!"
07.13.07 • "As a matter of fact, I was at the beach, uh, snorkeling with the little fishies."
07.12.07 • "I guess when your heart gets broken, you sort of start to see the cracks in everything. I'm convinced that tragedy wants to harden us, and that our mission is to never let it."
07.11.07 • "Not available in Utah, Puerto Rico, prices subject to whim, please wear rubber underwear, some parts may be made of chicken!"
07.10.07 • "That's funny. I never knew that frogs had a sense of humor."
07.07.07 • "I don't want to cram in sex or guns or car chases or characters learning profound life lessons or growing or coming to like each other or overcoming obstacles to succeed in the end. The book isn't like that, and life isn't like that, it just isn't."
06.27.07 • "Say no more. Evil's still afoot and I'm almost out of that Nancy-bot hair-gel that I like so much. Quickly to the Angelmobile, away!"
06.26.07 • "Hey, check out how golden and downy these hairs are getting around my navel."
06.23.07 • "Gaston... I-I'm speechless... I really don't know what to say..."
06.18.07 • "Well, for me it's a step up. It's like moving from Iceland to Finland."
06.10.07 • "Listen, kid, love is the only chance for happiness you'll ever get in this life, and if you're going to let a little thing like rejection stand in your way, baby, you might as well stay right there on the ground."
06.07.07 • "I didn't get no answers 'cause I was asking the wrong questions. You have to ask the right questions."
06.06.07 • "Very sorry to interrupt politic. Might I make a shit in your house?"
06.04.07 • "My issues? What are my issues?"
06.03.07 • "He's not melting. He's chillaxin. If you can't speak the language, go back to Mexico. Where you were born, and are from."
05.31.07 • "See, you don't know what rape is like. For years, I thought it was funny. Oh, yeah, rape. It's so funny. Until you been raped."
05.30.07 • "Here comes the judge!"
05.29.07 • "Oh, you are totally underestimating the never-say-die scrappiness of a survivor."
05.28.07 • "As observant as you are, you were married to my sister for five years without suspecting who she really was: her love must have been intoxicating."
05.26.07 • "Tonight, I'll hook a guy. Tomorrow, pull the switch. Before the ten days are up, I'm going to have this guy running for his life. "
05.25.07 • "It was the best blackout ever."
05.22.07 • "No, this is the Valley. Finland is the capital of Norway."
05.20.07 • "You said you wanted to travel."
05.18.07 • "Nothing's over. It's just starting."
05.09.07 • "I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life working my ass off and getting nowhere just because I followed rules that I had nothing to do with setting up, OK?"
05.08.07 • "They want you filleted and splayed on the butcher's block so they can photograph all your organs for 'Heat' magazine."
05.07.07 • "Vera said that?"
05.03.07 • "It wasn't an insane asylum, damnit. It was more like a spa."
05.02.07 • "Frank, how would you like a spontaneous nose job?"
05.01.07 • "Seriously, Dave. If that eulogy went on a minute longer it would have been your eulogy."
04.25.07 • "Allen, you need some time off. Now I'm suspending you at half pay for two weeks. You're a good reporter. But you gotta find some way to stop sitting on your brains."
04.18.07 • "So when your penis becomes hard, you're supposed to put it in a ladies vagina and it stops being hard?"
04.17.07 • "I wouldn't put that on. It... you know... not the right mood."
04.10.07 • "Anything you say! FIIIV! Go ahead and ask me a question!"
04.07.07 • "I know you like cooking shows, but you're a robot. You don't even have a sense of taste."
04.06.07 • "Where did you learn your parenting?"
04.05.07 • "Hey, good lookin'! What you got cookin'?"
04.04.07 • "It's not easy being green."
04.02.07 • "Negativity festers in you, man!"
04.01.07 • "Well, I can't get the old boiler working very often."
03.31.07 • "Lesbian? Her birthday's in March. I thought she was a Pisces."
03.30.07 • "When the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planet and hope will steer the stars. This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius."
03.29.07 • "All right, come out with your hands up, two cups of coffee, an auto freshener that says Capricorn, and something with coconut on it."
03.28.07 • "Hi. My name is Russ, and I'm a Sagittarius. I enjoy surfing, candlelit dinners, and Tolstoi. Listen: you're a mature person and I'm a mature person, so why don't we just skip all the bullshit, get rid of our inhibitions, and DO what we really wanna DO?"
03.27.07 • "Good, I'm a Scorpio, you know, we're great at keeping confidences."
03.26.07 • "I'm a Libra. What about you?"
03.25.07 • "Hi, my name is Bambara. I'm a 36-year-old Virgo and a former killer, whose hobbies include: performing recreational autopsies, defecating, and drinking rum. I've recently been given a conscience, and would very much like to help you."
03.24.07 • "Leo, don't you have any poetry in your soul?"
03.23.07 • "Cancer doesn't make you special."
03.22.07 • "Hi. I'm Elle Woods and this is Bruiser Woods. We're both Gemini vegetarians."
03.21.07 • "The car that hit Gordon was definitely a Taurus."
03.20.07 • "I'm all for experimentation - I'm the first guy in the pool."
03.18.07 • "I would like to be new to you. I want to be new to you. I want to be Mr. New."
03.15.07 • "Do you folks really believe in that astrology stuff?"
03.14.07 • "Come on. I am here to take care of you. What do you need? Anything."
03.13.07 • "I mean, it's the same every month: a model in make-up with a vacant look on her face."
03.12.07 • "The Emerald Piper. That's our hell. It's an Irish bar where it's St. Patrick's Day every day forever."
03.07.07 • "I believe that's called growing up."
03.06.07 • "It's got something to do with my personal growth. You see, I don't care about these people anymore and you know, I want them to know it."
03.05.07 • "Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. And sometimes I think I got the better deal. To be that close to her and not have her, to be all alone even when you're holding her. Feeling her, feeling her beneath you. Surrounding you... the scent."
03.03.07 • "Look, asshole, I didn't say I ain't heard of it. All I asked was how does it go? Excuse me for not being the world's biggest Madonna fan."
03.02.07 • "If you went to the Democratic convention this summer, what your saying about yourself is, 'Hey! Remember that guy that was doing charity work so that it would look good on his college application? That was me!'"
03.01.07 • "It's Shangra-La on dope. We love it!"
02.26.07 • "Does anyone remember when Saturday night meant date night?"
02.25.07 • "This is not a good town. How many of us have lost someone who just disappeared or got skinned? And how many of us have been to afraid to speak out? I was supposed to lead us in a moment of silence. But silence is this town's disease."
02.23.07 • "So the speech was disturbing, the food was inedible, and the gift bags pretty frightening. "
02.22.07 • "I mean, he went from totally geek, to totally chic!"
02.20.07 • "Fashion! Turn to the left! Fashion! Turn to the right!"
02.19.07 • "I've taken the liberty of anticipating your condition. I have brought you orange juice, coffee, and aspirins. Or do you need to throw up?"
02.15.07 • "I'm trying to get in the habit of, you know, picking up a book and learning how to write my feelings down, not my feelings but my thoughts, about things, and hopefully I'll moving toward the writing and directing thing soon."
02.13.07 • "I can even be your personal image consultant. I love manipulating the truth."
02.12.07 • "I feel love."
02.11.07 • "In the words of The Simpsons... ha haaaa!"
02.10.07 • "Your wish is my command."
02.08.07 • "Now who in creation is powerful enough to do that?"
02.07.07 • "For having Kevin Federline's child, I sentence you to kill the child, then Kevin, then Shawn Desman, and then yourself."
02.06.07 • "Are you coo coo bananas?!?"
02.05.07 • "I kissed someone, you had a random hook up with some bar skank!"
02.02.07 • "Brian's been yammering on about germs and spores for 20 minutes. I'm completely freaked out to touch a microphone ever again."
02.01.07 • "I have allowed this sabotage to continue until now."
01.31.07 • "Does Mexico know you've taken all their tequila?!"
01.30.07 • "Come on. We'll be less conspicuous on foot. Just two girlfriends out for a walk."
01.24.07 • "Evolution is the solution!"
01.23.07 • "Huh. Did everything just taste purple for a second?"
01.22.07 • "You're all the things that are in this ad: you're energetic, hard-working, you like people..."
01.14.07 • "I'm just a little tense. This whole office is not Feng Shui. All the desks are facing evil."
01.13.07 • “You want the guy, take the flaws… see Cameron comma Shawn.”
01.11.07 • "Now, which way to the welfare office?"
01.10.07 • "For two hundred and fifty dollars I would fight your wife! And your grandmother, at the same time!"
01.09.07 • "The same way anything lost gets found - I stopped looking."
01.08.07 • "I'm thinking balls are to men, what purses are to women. It's just a little bag but we'd feel naked in public without it."
01.07.07 • "I, uh, know it's none of my business, Syd, but sometimes Memory Lane can be a dead-end street."
01.04.07 • "Wow, sugar puss, you've certainly been a busy little bee."
01.03.07 • "Ohh, your journal. Could you be more queer?"
01.01.07 • "You see, Flaubert believed that anticipation was the purest form of pleasure... and the most reliable."
12.31.06 • "Gabby, it's New Year's Eve. Enough reading."
12.28.06 • "No, I don't have to. We have our answer right here. That's very good. Moving on."
12.27.06 • "Explains your fashion sense. And smell."
12.22.06 • "The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting."
12.18.06 • "There's nothing wrong with a life of peace and prosperity. I suggest you think about what it is that you want from your life, and why."
12.17.06 • "Look, I learned my lesson, okay?"
12.16.06 • "It's not easy being green."
12.14.06 • "I was rash, and if I had to do it all over again... Who am I kidding? I would do it exactly the same, only I'd do this..."
12.07.06 • "I believe in saying, 'I love you.'"
12.03.06 • "I am somebody. I matter. People will be attracted to my positive energy and help me achieve my goals. I'm right where I'm supposed to be and not dying for something to eat."
12.02.06 • "You know what? I'm still making excuses. I've always cut myself off. I've always... Being the Slayer made me different. But it's my fault I stayed that way. People are always trying to connect to me. And I just... slip away."
11.30.06 • "So when you fly to Paris, do you check these or are they carry-ons?"
11.29.06 • "Well, then, maybe you should think before you open your mouth and say things that are offensive."
11.17.06 • "They came down for a photo shoot. He says he works for a fashion magazine. If you ask me, I bet it's a sex one."
11.14.06 • "Lingerie. Oh, remember lingerie?"
11.12.06 • "These Canadians suffer from a serious inferiority complex. That's why they built this: The Canadian National Tower! World's largest free-standing structure!"
11.10.06 • "Masturbation needs to be taught in high school like holding your breath needs to be taught in diving class."
11.09.06 • "Mr. Caine, my son and his friend are trying desperately to regain their honor, and his car. While I admire their courage as men I worry a great deal about their safety. They're boys."
11.08.06 • "And it goes without saying that only clean lingerie goes next to that clean skin."
11.07.06 • "Plaque is a figment of the liberal media and the dental industry to scare you into buying useless appliances and pastes. Now, I've heard the arguments on both sides, and there is nothing to convince me of the need to brush your teeth."
11.06.06 • "Don't you want our regularly scheduled meeting, sire?"
11.05.06 • "The only good cat is a stir-fried cat."
10.29.06 • "Livid? That's two degrees passed pissed!"
10.28.06 • "I am just disagreeing with you. In America, we have the freedom of speech. The right to disagree."
10.25.06 • "Uh... ha, ha. Did you, uh... use any kind of a hypno-ray on the crowd that made them hear 'egg' when I really said 'chicken?'"
10.23.06 • ""Pop quiz on motherboards. Let's face it - who doesn't love a good motherboard?"
10.22.06 • "We need rest. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised."
10.19.06 • "Excuse me. What do you people think I do on my birthday?"
10.18.06 • "It's a gift. A gift from a friend. Friends give each other gifts. And tomorrow's my birhtday. And do you know what I like more than anything in the whole world?"
10.17.06 • "Days get shorter and shorter, nights longer and longer, before you know it, you life is just one long night with a few comatose daylight hours."
10.14.06 • "It is us, Cordelia. It's you and me. Kissing you,its... It's not something I can just..."
10.09.06 • "Look, I know my advice isn't always Dr. Phil solid."
10.08.06 • "Oh, why does the universe hate me?"
10.07.06 • "Please get your extreme oafishness off my two-hundred-dollar shoes."
10.06.06 • "At my age I've seen about all that life has to dish out. I know to separate the wheat from the chaff, and let the small stuff fall away."
10.04.06 • "It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography."
10.03.06 • "Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep."
10.02.06 • "We've got to find Jack! There's only 365 days left until next Halloween!"
09.30.06 • "You can be my buddy and share my foxhole any time, Colonel."
09.28.06 • "Do you always arrange to take your calls in the lingerie department?"
09.27.06 • "Just watch me burn!"
09.26.06 • "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"
09.25.06 • "You got the bedazzled one?! Pink, too?! Wait, we can't text her an apology. We're texting her an apology?"
09.24.06 • "I bet I could beat you in a race, bitch!"
09.23.06 • "Well! Then my work here is done."
09.22.06 • "Come on, Spot. Live it up! You're eating like a bird!"
09.21.06 • "This is the best thing you could give me."
09.20.06 • "Realizing the importance of the case, my men are rounding up twice the usual number of suspects."
09.17.06 • "A stroke of the brush does not guarantee art from the bristles."
09.16.06 • "Bork! Bork! Bork!"
09.15.06 • "Well of course you can't reach him. He's off saving the rain forest, or recycling his sandals or some shit."
09.14.06 • "I can't believe they towed my car! And only because it was parked in a tow-away zone and I had $1,200 worth of unpaid parking tickets."
09.12.06 • "I've been planning it since I was 12."
09.11.06 • "No, no, barf from the eating. 'Cause all was good, and too much goodness..."
09.10.06 • "Ooh, floor pie!"
09.09.06 • "Women. You can't live with 'em, and yet they're everywhere."
09.08.06 • "Next thing I know, I'm running for my life. And all I could think was if something were to ever happen to me, how sad I'd be, you know?"
09.07.06 • "You come here to this restaurant, sit in my personal and private booth, and insult me?"
09.06.06 • "You broke up with a porn star? Friendship over. Friendship over!"
09.05.06 • "Dad, as you know, we've been swimming, and we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the only way to go."
09.03.06 • "You're damn right I'll be pissed, I bought that pig at Pink Floyd's yard sale!"
09.02.06 • "What happened to you? The Clampett's have a yard sale?"
08.31.06 • "Yeah, it's pretty much healed."
08.30.06 • "Good things come to obsessive-compulsives who fixate."
08.29.06 • "I know, the steps are even bigger. And the babes are outrageous."
08.28.06 • "I wish he'd get sick like ET."
08.27.06 • "There's a difference between giving up and letting go."
08.25.06 • "Yeah, uh, I hate Mr. Sniffles."
08.23.06 • "They all have swirling chocolate in the commercial! "
08.21.06 • "That fishy story you tell always makes me sleepy, but that's just what I get for dating a girl that's cre-e-epy. My Creepy Girl!"
08.18.06 • "In women's health news, the FDA announced that it has approved NuvaRing, a new highly effective birth control device for women. NuvaRing is 2 inches long and releases a continuous low dose of estrogen... just like Michael Jackson's penis."
08.17.06 • "You know, Morris, most men when they have a mid-life crisis they go out and buy themselves a sports car. They don't run around calling themselves Fox."
08.16.06 • "Wow, you go into a garage sale and you wonder who buys all that crap?"
08.15.06 • "There are three things people love to stare at: A rippling stream, a sunset, and a Zamboni going around and around."
08.13.06 • "House in the country. A good pair of running shoes you can also wear out to dinner."
08.11.06 • "But I can type in, say, 'sex... fetish.' It takes a little while. There: two thousand, two hundred and thirty matches."
08.09.06 • "Run, Forrest, run!"
08.08.06 • "You know me... I'm all about the mental health."
08.07.06 • "Let's hear it for my band, Sexual Chocolate."
08.05.06 • "Just use the line I use when I break up with a guy."
08.04.06 • "And from one business women to another? two words ? Pants suit."
08.03.06 • "I'm speechless. I have no speech."
08.02.06 • "Is that what you really want me to be, darling? NORMAL? Some boring old normal old toilet girl, huh?"
08.01.06 • "All right, you balls of pan drippings, I want to see Crisco coming out of those pores. We're not leaving until this Christmas HAM gives me a pull-up."
07.31.06 • "I've been in this job too long."
07.30.06 • "You can't buy memories like that."
07.28.06 • "Uh, either I could behave like a real rock-and-roll loser, and get drunk with my fat manager, or when I hang up I'll be bombarded with invitations to a large number of glamorous parties."
07.26.06 • "I want to flash up pictures of sad but beautiful children, happy gay couples, slogans like 'world health,' 'no pollution,' 'fashion cares'."
07.22.06 • "All of these things link Terrance to the murder: hair fibers, blood samples, nail clippings, a piece of his shirt, a watch with his initials on it, a day planner with the murder scheduled, a haiku called 'Time to Kill Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer'"
07.21.06 • "Doo doot doot doot doot doo doot!"
07.20.06 • "When we were two, we were best friends, I mean, I, I knew everything about this girl. I knew her favorite color. I knew her favorite food."
07.19.06 • "My roommate's gone, and all he left behind was an eyelash and three skin flakes."
07.18.06 • "I'm a girl, damn it! I wanna do girly things!"
07.15.06 • "With *this* you don't know how to kill the bunny, do you know what I mean?"
07.14.06 • "Soon I will be the queen of summer! I mean, king."
07.12.06 • "You've got to let go of the past Mikey, and when you do, the future is beautiful."
07.11.06 • "I'm writing 'Spike loves Harmony' on your back."
07.09.06 • "I like to suck big dick! I like to suck big dick! Mmmmm! Mmmmm!"
07.08.06 • "We all look for acceptance in this life. Some of us change to get it. Others cannot change so easily. We must be accepted as we are, warts and all."
07.07.06 • "Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind."
07.05.06 • "Trent, the beautiful babies don't work the midnight to six shift on a Wednesday. This is like the skank shift."
07.04.06 • "They're gonna give daddy the Rainman suite, you dig that?"
07.03.06 • "Yeah... I love you too... but you don't have to say it every night."
07.02.06 • "I am the lizard queen!"
07.01.06 • "Or how about Las Vegas? America's Mecca of smoking, gambling, and drinking. Or as I like to call it, The Happiest Place On Earth!"
06.30.06 • "It's worth 2,000? You cheapskate. You could have at least sent me a plane ticket!"
06.29.06 • "Boo-yah! Welcome to Kuzcotopia, my ultimate summer getaway, complete with water slide."
06.27.06 • "It's not about doing the things you love, it's about doing things with the one you love!"
06.26.06 • "It's barbaric! It's painful! It's wrong!"
06.25.06 • "If you want it, you got it, you've just got to believe."
06.24.06 • "Marty, how come you're so stubborn?"
06.23.06 • "Wave your hands in the air, everybody!"
06.20.06 • "That'll replace the whale in my nightmares!"
06.19.06 • "My in-laws are acting like out-laws."
06.17.06 • "I'm reading a lot of stuff."
06.16.06 • "Maybe Olive's got stage fright. Maybe she won't show."
06.13.06 • "There's only a few seconds."
06.11.06 • "It's like a competition, me against the beat, I wanna get in the zone."
06.08.06 • "That was a temporary medical condition."
06.07.06 • "Any clue on what college you might be attending so we can start calculating minimum safe distance?"
06.06.06 • "But we're not doing it for art. We're not doing it for the sake of money. No! We're doing it because we love painting naked people."
06.05.06 • "Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy."
06.04.06 • "You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father."
06.02.06 • "Don't hold onto the past, Lucky. Let it go. Move on. Catch it on cable!"
06.01.06 • "Yes, but I pay you to interpret my dreams so why can't you at least find a hidden depth? I'm not willing to believe I'm simply THAT obvious. Why, if you are bloody psychic psychologist, how come I'm always having to call YOU, hmm?"
05.28.06 • "I'm gracing this armpit of a town for one night, if you think I'm gonna know the name of the VENUE in El Arm-Pitto... you're sadly mistaken."
05.27.06 • "Why do we bother to ask?"
05.26.06 • "Jimmy, I really have to go to the bathroom! All I see is sand, and I'm not a cat."
05.25.06 • "Greetings and salutations!"
05.23.06 • "I'm sorry officer but my husband, see, he's having a heart attack and I had to rush him to the hospital and I must not have been paying attention because I took a wrong turn and is this the way?"
05.22.06 • "I'm just gonna go to my room. I won't be able to sleep though. Man, I love sleepin'. I wish I could wake up so I can go back to sleep."
05.19.06 • "Excuse me, Thumbelina, but you're still a little underage to be clubbing, aren't you?"
05.16.06 • "Not mother?"
05.15.06 • "You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos."
05.14.06 • "Why doesn't Willie Nelson hold a benefit for me? He could call it AlAid."
05.13.06 • "And then I'm gonna rip out your tongue and paint my boat with it."
05.12.06 • "Look, they got poor Jimmy's coat and they will eat it. They didn't get enough to eat at brunch."
05.10.06 • "Simultanious translation, bringing you news and views across the language barrier."
05.09.06 • "I saw better dancing at Heather Sinclair's grade three sock hop."
05.06.06 • "If you don't tell me what I want to know, then it'll just be a question of how much you want it to hurt."
05.05.06 • "You know, we could all be reading a book right now."
05.02.06 • "The police think I'm crazy because I told them I was from the planet Circon 9."
05.01.06 • "Renting... I just sold a condo... yes, in this 'soft market'... well, I don't see how that's any of your... the low fifties."
04.29.06 • "Can't talk, coming down."
04.27.06 • "I've been reading up on my, uh, animal possession, and I cannot find anything anywhere about memory loss afterwards."
04.26.06 • "For these are but a few of Townsville's citizens who've been robbed by this elusive and rather vertically-challenged psychic, which is why the newspapers this day read 'Small Medium at Large!'"
04.25.06 • "Would you like to know why I can't drive this kinda car? I'll tell you why, I'm used to luxury cars. Have you ever heard of a luxury car? You know what luxury means? Ever heard of Cadillac, Cadillac Eldorado? That's what I drive."
04.24.06 • "Yeah, I put him on random sarcasm, so he'll only be sarcastic at the appropriate time. Like uh, when someone mentions, uh, like, uh, Pia Zadora?"
04.21.06 • "When you see her, say a prayer and kiss your heart goodbye."
04.20.06 • "Behind every good man there is a woman, and that woman was Martha Washington, man, and everyday George would come home, she would have a big fat bowl waiting for him, man, when he come in the door, man, she was a hip, hip, hip lady, man."
04.19.06 • "All right, I'm leaving. Because I'm not going to spend one more day with someone whose out to sabotage my every move."
04.18.06 • "Bender, this is Fry's decision... and he made it wrong, so it's time for us to interfere in his life."
04.16.06 • "Our minds must be conflicting because you say plague of snakes and all I hear is Easter bunny, Easter bunny, Easter bunny."
04.15.06 • "You're kinda a lazy ho."
04.14.06 • "This is the kind of spontaneous publicity - your name in print - that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now."
04.13.06 • "Eh, what's up, Doc? Who...? Franz Liszt? Never heard of him... Wrong number."
04.10.06 • "Marge, Marge! I am asking you for white hot rage, and you're giving me a hissy fit!"
04.09.06 • "Desperately Seeking Susan Seeking Stranger?"
04.08.06 • "BQ or plain?"
04.06.06 • "“I’ll be at your local strip club, but I’ll be the one dancing.�?
04.06.06 • "Now that I realize I've just been suffering from a simple psychotic depression, I feel strangely empowered."
04.05.06 • "Erotic is when you use a fetaher. Porn is when you use the whole chicken... and this girl's been through A LOT of chicken."
04.04.06 • "Mom's cooking? I'm going to call the doctor."
04.02.06 • "Look, nobody takes this more seriously than me. That condo was my life, okay? I loved every stick of furniture in that place. That was not just a bunch of stuff that got destroyed, it was ME!"
04.01.06 • "Can't talk. Eating fried pie. Experiencing nirvana."
03.31.06 • "This is not one of those crazy systems of divination and astrology. That stuff's hooey, and you've got to have a screw loose to go in for that sort of thing."
03.26.06 • "Asteroids do not concern me, Admiral. I want that ship, not excuses."
03.23.06 • "Jenna, if you're gonna start lying about your age, I'd go with 27."
03.22.06 • "Lights... Models... Guest list... Just do your best darling."
03.21.06 • "You must have a very wicked stepmother."
03.17.06 • "This negativity just makes me stronger, we will not retreat, this band is unstoppable!"
03.16.06 • "I need sugar. I'm getting cranky."
03.15.06 • "A penis is not a share toy."
03.14.06 • "Gary! You told me you were combing your hair!"
03.12.06 • "All the really exciting things in life require more courage than we currently have. A deep breath and a leap. See Joey, the kind of fear you're talking about... sometimes it's how you know what's worthwhile."
03.11.06 • "It is time to clean house! Total... spring... cleaning."
03.09.06 • "Let's move on to Hell and Purgatory, also known as the gym and locker rooms."
03.08.06 • "Why would you look back? The future's out there. And whatever it is, it's gonna be great."
03.07.06 • "Because Daniel, for man with no forgiveness in heart, life worse punishment than death."
03.04.06 • "She's so anally retentive she wouldn't sit down for fear of sucking up the furniture."
03.03.06 • "Whenever I get depressed, I raise my hemlines. If things don't change, I am bound to be arrested."
03.02.06 • "Don't be afraid to make a fashion statement, people."
03.01.06 • "I am FILLED with Christ's love! You are just jealous of my success in the Lord."
02.28.06 • "Frenemies are enemies who act like friends. We call them 'frenemies'."
02.27.06 • "Not in death, but just in sleep, this fateful prophecy you'll keep. And from this slumber you shall wake, when true love's kiss, the spell shall break."
02.20.06 • "I thought if I got in your good graces you might let me keep my car."
02.17.06 • "Mmm. I'm sick of my Mighty Intruder vibrator with the flexible shaft and the textured head."
02.17.06 • "Oh, really? Whatever can they need to know? I mean, it's the same every month: a model in make-up with a vacant look on her face."
02.13.06 • "Women, can't live with them... end of sentence."
02.06.06 • "Our love fern! You let it die!"
02.01.06 • "Are you out of your fucking mind? You really are out of your fucking mind!"
01.23.06 • "It was based on the idea that all a man had to do was put his penis down a woman's throat and thrust and the woman was as satisfied as the man. Well, guess what?"
01.20.06 • "So let me see, you said, um, you said that I should never take advice from someone that I haven't had sex with, right... right?"
01.19.06 • "You can stop dreaming about me cause I'm here now. Come on wake up. Your not just my owner your my caregiver.Look I'm getting my exercise doing my thing. All you need is a slight CANNONBALLLLLL!"
01.17.06 • "We have all sorts of little problems like this, sir. Some of them matrimonial!"
01.12.06 • "People say my sisters and I have big arm disease. And I think my butt's big."
01.09.06 • "I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding, neither are you."
01.06.06 • "I am the foot fuckin' master!"
01.02.06 • "Here. Swear. Swear on Chanel."
12.30.05 • "I am a grown woman with a life time of experience that you can't understand."
12.29.05 • "What does this song mean? My whole life, I don't know what it means."
12.28.05 • "Fuck you, dog."
12.22.05 • "No, no, no. Figgy pudding. It's made with figgs."
12.15.05 • "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, welcome to Jackass."
12.13.05 • "You've gotta wait till the seed grows into a plant. Then you've gotta fuck the plant."
12.12.05 • "Hey, who better than a superhero understands secret identity? Now hold on, just want to make sure I have the visual."
12.09.05 • "Symphony Sid. By the powers bested in me by the New York Radio district, I command you get on the air in a serious manner."
12.07.05 • "Can't sleep... clown'll eat me!"
12.06.05 • "Is there one 'right' person for everyone?"
12.05.05 • "Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off... but it's better if you do."
11.30.05 • "When Cameron was in Egypt's land...let my Cameron go."
11.29.05 • "The Q is talking to me! The Q is talking to me!"
11.28.05 • "No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!"
11.25.05 • "And what's with the black? You look like you're goin' to a funeral."
11.22.05 • "Hey, no problem. Just a couple of clean American kids experimenting with sex."
11.21.05 • "Now, we're going to make a new rule. When you come in here and you hear me typing or whether you DON'T hear me typing, or whatever the FUCK you hear me doing; when I'm in here, it means that I am working. THAT means don't come in."
11.21.05 • "Wrestle with your darkness, angels call your name."
11.17.05 • “Today I didn't even have to use my A.K. I got to say it was a good day.�?
11.15.05 • "George, I was wondering, like if you were traveling through outer space, I mean like you're going real fast, like the speed of light, you know... hoooh... and all of a sudden you started screaming... aaaaahhhhh... Do you think your brain would blow up?"
11.14.05 • "This game sucks. Let's play Hungry, Hungry Hippos!"
10.14.05 • "And then you blend, and blend, and blend. Blending is the secret!"
10.13.05 • "Two very important goals will apply - to make everyone who is in at the ground floor rich, and to burn this motherfucking place to the ground!"
10.12.05 • "Down to ride 'til the very end, it's me and my boyfriend."
10.07.05 • "Take off, eh?"
10.06.05 • "They enjoy the goal but not the process. But the reality of it is that the true work of improving things is in the little achievements of the day."
10.05.05 • "I'm a trisexual. I'll try anything once."
10.05.05 • "You gotta have a boyfriend, don't you? Otherwise it's just you and a cat and before you know, 40 candles on your birthday cake."
10.03.05 • "We learn to always keep smiling, even when we're out of Bloody Mary mix."
09.29.05 • "It smells like burning!"
09.28.05 • "Silence... is fucking golden, Lloyd.
09.26.05 • "Hi, I'm all wet. Can I come in?"
09.26.05 • "Molly, they're going to see a smiling snatch if you don't fix this g-string."
09.23.05 • "Send a maniac to catch a maniac."
09.22.05 • "I want my elephant!"
09.19.05 • "Here lies Walter Fielding. He bought a house, and it killed him."
09.16.05 • “If you see a used condom, an executioner’s mask and a spiked paddle, don’t think, just pack that bitch!�?
09.14.05 • "Now in this class you can either call me Mr. Keating, or if you're slightly more daring, O Captain my Captain."
09.13.05 • "Congratulations - you're still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model."
09.12.05 • "Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?"
09.08.05 • "This is not a mundane detail, Michael!"
09.02.05 • "Anybody can be a non-drunk. It takes a special talent to be a drunk. It takes endurance. Endurance is more important than truth."
09.01.05 • "Im so excited, and I just can't hide it!"
09.01.05 • "Just when I thought that I was out they pull me back in."
09.01.05 • "When did it become fall?"
08.31.05 • "Like, it's not cool at all! Like, it's all this stuff that tastes like nothing and it's supposed to be so good for you. Why couldn't they, like, open a Pizza Hut or something?"
08.30.05 • "There's gonna be sex and violence."
08.29.05 • "With the dogs out of the way, cats will overthrow the humans and you will recieve your just reward: sixteen pounds of Monterey Jack and the continent of Australia."
08.26.05 • "No time to say hello. Goodbye!"
08.25.05 • "You didn't think it was going to be that easy, did you?"
08.24.05 • "I'm beginning to think that 'ER' stands for 'everyone's retarded'."
08.24.05 • "Can I holla? Can I holla? Can I holla, holla, holla?"
08.24.05 • "No, no. Psychopaths kill for no reason. I kill for *money*. It's a *job*. That didn't come out right."
08.24.05 • "Now I put the rules up, Lillian!"
08.22.05 • "What do you call assassins who accuse assassins?"
08.19.05 • “What they like? Were they nice? Are they real or fake? They built for comfort or for speed? What'd you do? You play the motorboat? You played the motorboat.�?
08.18.05 • "All I did was take pictures..."
08.17.05 • "Who is this? Prank caller! Prank caller!"
08.16.05 • "It takes one postman to make someone else a postman."
08.15.05 • “Who understands anyone these days... who wants to?�?

Booky Wook
05.06.08 • "I just thought, Homecoming Queen."
05.01.08 • "You didn't think it would end like this didn't you?"
04.29.08 • "Hey Dirk. Still getting your mail. It's from the clinic. Somebody got themselves an STD."
04.27.08 • "Home stretch, baby."
04.25.08 • "I've been reading up on my, uh, animal possession, and I cannot find anything anywhere about memory loss afterwards."
04.21.08 • "Oh, I give up. I'm too exhausted to eat."
04.14.08 • "No, this is the Valley. Finland is the capital of Norway."
04.08.08 • "We're done here but no more rabbits. Keep the boys away from the girls."
04.07.08 • "I could use a good discussion myself."
04.05.08 • "And in case you haven't noticed, baby brother, Finland is the bloody North Pole. Therefore, a very special gift for you this year."
04.02.08 • "How about celibacy? Does that sound like fun?"
03.31.08 • "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world."
03.30.08 • "And for a fundraiser I'm hosting an open-mouth kissing booth."
03.26.08 • "You can't give up on Charity, Miguel. Would Leonardo give up on Kate? Would Ross give up on Rachel? Would Bo give up on Hope?"
03.19.08 • "The name you registered under is a fake. We have proof."
02.06.08 • "Well, he wanted to sleep with me, I wanted sex, but since he was tired I let him go home."
08.01.07 • "The only really real Buffy is really Buffy."
12.13.06 • "This... precious book of love, this unbound lover to beautify him, only lacks a cover."
11.27.06 • "I was just thinking what an interesting concept it is to eliminate the writer from the artistic process. If we could just get rid of these actors and directors, maybe we've got something here."
11.04.06 • "On the other hand, for me, when I begin to see flaws, chinks in the romantic armor, it's a foreshadowing - a sure sign, you know, that love's about to skip out the back door. Adios. Finito, benito."
10.26.06 • "Sex. You has probably heard the word out there. And some of you probably know what it means. For those of you who don't, it means boning. But with boning comes responsi-lib-ity."
10.24.06 • "Men only think about three things: food, sports and sex. Dogs are more mysterious."
10.13.06 • "America national sport is called baseballs. It very similar to our sport, shurik, where we take dogs, shoot them in a field, and then have a party."
10.12.06 • "Gimme the bat, Marge!"
10.01.06 • "Well, you have a sweet bike. And you're really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you're like the only guy at school who has a mustache."
09.19.06 • "I suppose you're going to guess my weight, too."
09.18.06 • "This is just too much. I mean, yesterday's my life like, uh oh, pop quiz. Today, it's rain of toads."
09.11.06 • "Yes, it's real."
07.27.06 • "Detecting trace amounts of brain activity, probably a dead weasel or a cartoon viewer."
07.25.06 • "Take a bow, the night is over."
07.24.06 • "A generation of permanent cripples, failed seekers, who never understood the essential old-mystic fallacy of the Acid Culture: the desperate assumption that somebody... or at least some force - is tending the light at the end of the tunnel."
07.23.06 • "You got her a book on spells? The girl who can break things by just looking at them, now has a book to teach her to break things by looking at 'em?"
07.17.06 • "Carrie, you can't date your fuck buddy."
07.16.06 • "I know she's kind of socially retarded and weird, but she's my friend... so, just promise me you wont make fun of her!"
06.22.06 • "It's actually more shockin' and scandalous than all yours combined."
06.21.06 • "But that showed me never judge a book by it's cover. Prince could really ball!"
06.15.06 • "For a long time I ignored the pain."
06.10.06 • "Before we allow ourselves to be consumed by our regrets, we should remember the mistakes we make in life are not so important as the lessons we draw from them."
05.24.06 • "So therefore I figured we could break breadsticks together and talk about what really goes on behind closed doors."
04.28.06 • "Geez, they don't really tell you how to reverse these things! Oh, hi! Having a few technical difficulties. Look, Clay, I didn't mean to make you undead! I was just fooling around! It happens!"
03.20.06 • "I'm writing a paper with soul. It's got lots of soul."
01.25.06 • "A dancer expresses with his body what an actor does with words. It's not just the feet."
12.19.05 • "Can we take a direct flight back to reality, or do we have to change planes in Denver?"
12.02.05 • "The universe may not always play fair, but at least it's got a hell of a sense of humor."
11.16.05 • "You know, I don't live here anymore and the Four Season won't check you in until one o'clock."
11.14.05 • "He's licking the glass and making obscene gestures with his hands."
11.09.05 • "Anything is peaceful from one thousand, three hundred and fifty-three feet."
11.08.05 • "You wear too much eye makeup. My sister wears too much. People think she's a whore."
11.07.05 • "The question isn't, what are we going to do. The question is, what aren't we going to do?"
11.02.05 • "Welcome to Thunderdome, bitch."
10.28.05 • "Guess who? It's 10 o'clock, do you care where your parents are?"
10.26.05 • "Get that rising young actress the hell out of here."
10.25.05 • "Won't somebody please think of the children!"
10.21.05 • “Because we're going to sell them cheap books and legal addictive stimulants.�?
10.17.05 • "Room seven. Through that door and up the stairs."
10.12.05 • "God, I don't know what the fuck I'm saying anymore!"
10.10.05 • "Maybe I should thank someone else. Someone who's really been there, someone who taught me alot, about poetry and Shakespeare, and just, y'know, stayin' awake, man."
09.28.05 • "You're the real thing, yeah the real thing."
09.27.05 • “Just like a little boy coming home for a quickie. I feel so unsatisfied.�?
09.23.05 • "Destruction, terror, and mayhem..."
08.17.05 • "That was the end of Grogan: the man who killed my father, raped and murdered my sister, burned my ranch, shot my dog, and stole my Bible!"

Christmas, Bitches!
09.19.07 • "You know something, sweetheart? Christmas is... well, it's about the best time of the whole year. "
12.29.06 • "Christmas, when peace and good fellowship... thank you, tha-that's all, thank you... When peace and good fellowship... that's enough with the bells, thank you. It's over, thank you."
12.26.06 • "Let's make a deal. We go out on patrol, and if the city's quiet, we come back here, have Christmas dinner, and watch It's A Wonderful Life."
12.21.06 • "Chanukah is that special time of year between Christmas and Misgiving when all the bestest holiday shows are on TV."
12.20.06 • "I got three hundred and sixty Christmas cards... and I'm not sending ANY of them until someone sends ME one."
12.19.06 • "No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights."
12.12.06 • "Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, the Spirit had ended; it had all been doused. The ornaments were yanked from the tree with despair, while dad vacuumed pine needles from his rump."
12.10.06 • "I let him look at my boobs at the Christmas party. Not my finest half hour, but its been a pleasant working environment ever since."
12.06.06 • "Santie Claus, why? Why are you taking our Christmas tree, why?"
12.05.06 • "I'm addressing Christmas cards. Aren't they cute? Each one has a little bunny on it dressed up like a shepherd. Don't say I'm not religious!"
12.01.06 • "Blast this Christmas music. It's joyful *and* triumphant!"
11.28.06 • "Er... That's an ornament."
11.26.06 • "You can't go home, man. This pageant's your chance to spread some Christmas spirit. And that's contagious like VD."
11.02.06 • "From where I'm sitting, I've got a great view of all the yuletide decorations going up all over town."
11.01.06 • "Mm-hmm. Been around since, like, the 1500s. But he wasn't always called Santa. But with, you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney, all true."

Lists
02.28.07 • "The top of my to-do list every morning, and every day gets away from me."
10.20.06 • "Come on, this is a Bluth family celebration. It's no place for children."
09.13.06 • "What do we know know?"
09.04.06 • "Howdy, folks! You should see the White House; they'll be cleaning it for months."
09.01.06 • "When will you just admit that this junk belongs in a dustbin?"
08.14.06 • "Fire BAD! Beer good!"
07.29.06 • "You are going to tell me everything I want to know or I swear to God I will hurt you before I kill you, and no one will be able to stop me."
04.30.06 • "D'oh!"
03.19.06 • "Mmm... cheesy."
03.13.06 • "It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique."
02.16.06 • "This list... is an absolute good. The list is life. All around its margins lies the gulf."
01.05.06 • "Who needs TV? We've got Days of our Lives right here!"
11.23.05 • "Worst. Movie. Ever!"
10.11.05 • "Thirty, flirty and thriving."
09.15.05 • "KHAAANNNN!"
09.06.05 • "Boat leaves in two minutes... or perhaps you don't want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away?"

Nip/Tuck Recaps
12.20.05 • "Beauty Is A Curse On The World."
11.22.05 • “I haven’t struck out like this since there was a rumor I had genital warts.�?
11.05.05 • "If I’m not home with a beer and Chinese food by 10pm, I’m calling my lawyer and, if possible, having you arrested for being a royal bitch.�?
10.25.05 • “Is this surgery, or open mic night at the lesbian coffee bar?�?
10.14.05 • “And the two things between my legs aren’t balls, they’re testicles.�?
10.04.05 • “She mimics hand gestures and flings her poo!"
09.21.05 • "I'm me again, baby!"

One Word, One Lesson
02.03.07 • "Thanks God, A dog pile of piss poor physique on top of a small cock and hereditary alcoholism, I appreciate it!... I'm babbling. I do that drunk."
12.11.06 • "You radiate good."
11.11.06 • "You have to die."
08.24.06 • "Not deep? I am deep! I'm going out with the poetry club!"
08.12.06 • "Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I want to thank you for this wonderful meal, my two beautiful sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, and my red-hot smokin' wife, Carley."
04.23.06 • "We don't sell Tic Tacs, we sell cigarettes. And they're cool, available, and addictive. The job is almost done for us."
04.07.06 • "Don't take this personally. Kiss my black ass. "
03.25.06 • "I'm angry because these two people cut in line in front of me and everyone is letting them get away with it. Them. There. Those two people there with their stupid faces."
03.18.06 • "The only verdict is vengeance. The vendetta."
01.05.06 • "Monsters belong in B movies."

Pop Culture Obsessed
09.24.07 • "Look eye! Always look eye!"
03.19.07 • "None of us get out alive."
02.09.07 • "Broomhead!"
12.04.06 • "Ahh...music, a magic far beyond all we do here."
11.20.06 • "I don't care of it's playing 'Rock The Casbah' in a bloody jukebox - just get it outta me!"
11.19.06 • "And you're what, shocked and disappointed? I'm evil!"
11.18.06 • "Yeah - delivering melted cheese on bread. Doing your part to keep America constipated."
11.16.06 • "You'll do what, lick me to death?"
11.15.06 • "Hey, can we come rocketing back to me and my new Syphilis?"
11.13.06 • "Dude, that is like my 10 favorite songs playing at the same time turned up to 11! "
11.03.06 • "Is gooood yeaaah?"
10.31.06 • "Whoa! Possible DOA?"
10.30.06 • "Fry! What in Sega Genesis happened to you?"
10.27.06 • "I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life working my ass off and getting nowhere just because I followed rules that I had nothing to do with setting up, OK?"
10.16.06 • "Just relax - let the game come to you, you don't force anything."
10.15.06 • "Right, but a podcast about your favorite hoodies and independent film won't help you pay for that vacation."
10.05.06 • I choo choo choose you!"
09.29.06 • "There's something I've got to tell you. I'm not like other guys."
08.26.06 • "I found something bizarre."
08.22.06 • "May I please suggest something that doesn't completely blow."
08.20.06 • "I don't want to eat your skin, Madonna! I'm not a crazy!"
08.19.06 • "I understand why. You were wasted."
08.10.06 • "It's my job to handle life and death situations on a daily basis."
08.06.06 • "The next one after 'Queens Boulevard' is a studio picture: I'm talking franchise, baby. We'll get you the lunchbox. And an action figure with a monster cock."
07.13.06 • "Fortune favors the brave."
07.06.06 • "We ask ourselves, is she black? Is she white? We don't care. She's exotic. I want to see more of her breasts."
06.18.06 • "Now you wouldn't believe me if I told you, but I could run like the wind blows. From that day on, if I was ever going somewhere, I was running!"
06.14.06 • "Go straight to hell, Ike!"
06.03.06 • "At least I'm not your bitch."
05.30.06 • "What? And miss the concert? Yeah, I don't think so."
05.29.06 • "I made it through the wilderness, somehow I made it through."
05.21.06 • "Traveled 'round the world looking for a home, I found myself in crowded rooms feeling so alone."
05.20.06 • "Music can be such a revelation."
05.17.06 • "Time goes by so slowly for those who wait."
05.07.06 • "Tony, an accent doesn't make you intelligent, if it did, you'd be Einstien."
05.03.06 • "We'll all be on TV! Which is my best side?"
04.22.06 • "Whatever it takes, I know I can make it through."
04.13.06 • "Oh, for God's sake, there's only one way to put an end to this nuisance."
04.03.06 • "I know how you feel. You don't know if you want to hit me or kiss me. I get a lot of that."
03.30.06 • "It wasn't an insane asylum, Grace. I explained to you back then that it was for exhaustion."
03.29.06 • "Every time when you look in the mirror, you'll see my face. "
03.10.06 • "They call us problem child, we, spend our lives on trial, we walk an endless mile, we are the youth gone wild."
03.06.06 • "You like me! You really, really like me!"
03.05.06 • "And the Oscar goes to..."
03.02.06 • "Find out what happens when people stop being nice, and start being real."
02.08.06 • "Music! Makes the people! Come together! Yeah!"
12.09.05 • "When you wish upon a star your dreams come true!"
12.08.05 • "This marriage doesn't even have a pulse anymore."
10.24.05 • "Can you belieeeee this mothafuckin' shit!"
10.19.05 • "I pledge my undying loyalty to you, Ari."
10.06.05 • "You still hungry? Then feast on that."
10.04.05 • "Okay, I'll call Betty Ford, you want me to get him a room, fine."
09.19.05 • "Tell me what you don't like about yourself."
09.15.05 • "It's just words."
09.14.05 • "Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know?"
09.14.05 • "Hey, listen, Sparky. I have a masters in journalism from Columba, my boss loves me, and if I do it her way for a while, I can write about whatever I want."
09.07.05 • "Shut up, just shut up, shut up."
09.02.05 • "Hush. Just. Stop. There's nothing you can do or say."
08.30.05 • "Look at all these rumors, surrounding me every day."
08.29.05 • "That's my Robert, always peeing on people."
08.23.05 • "Give me real, don't give me fake."
08.23.05 • "You want reality? You're about to get it!"
08.18.05 • "I have never in my life yelled at a girl like this!"
08.16.05 • "The public wants raw and real and that's what we give 'em."
08.16.05 • "Lays down a monster... The fuck did you lay that down?"

Rant-o-Rama
07.10.06 • "Murder! Death! Kill!"
06.28.06 • "This is just another battle of the sexes."
06.12.06 • "Ever had one of those days when you just want to go back to bed?"
06.09.06 • "If you had a personal trainer, you would probably eat him. I know that in every fat person, there's a skinny person inside, but you could have all the season's contestants of America's Next Top Model in you."
05.31.06 • "You still look like an ass to me!"
05.29.06 • "Well, did you try looking inside the sofa in hell?"
05.18.06 • "This is an ongoing saga with you, isn't it?"
05.11.06 • "You wanna talk fun? Public bus. You meet the funnest people."
05.08.06 • "I don't care if it's Baskin Robbins flavor of the month! You are not painting our bedroom passion purple!"
05.04.06 • "Night after night, he dates pretty girls, while I sit here and wrestle with the world's problems."
04.17.06 • "You are experiencing a car accident."
04.12.06 • "PC Load Letter? What the fuck does that mean!?!"
04.11.06 • "Everyone is accountable."
03.28.06 • "Then you can give me a fucking automobile: a fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick! Four fucking wheels and a seat!"
03.27.06 • "Now we had a deal. A deal's a deal."
03.24.06 • "Jack Sprat could eat no fat, so he became macrobiotic and an enormous pain in the neck."
02.10.06 • "So that's why everyone around here treats me like some dime-store floozy."
02.09.06 • "I was surfing the crimson wave. I had to haul ass to the ladies'."
02.07.06 • "Riddle me this, riddle me that, who's afraid of the big, black bat?"
02.03.06 • "I can be a real serious bitch if I don't get what I want."
02.02.06 • "Well ain't that a bitch."
01.28.06 • "Here at Globo Gym we're better than you, and we know it."
01.18.06 • "Act? Did anyone care if Marilyn Monroe could act? All they cared was, 'Was she in focus?'"
01.11.06 • "How'd you do? Well, let's just see shall we? You can't park, you can't change lanes, you can't make right hand turns, you damaged private property and you almost killed someone. Off hand, I'd say you failed."
01.10.06 • "A liar? I'm sure you don't mean a liar."
01.04.06 • "Okay, there's no God damn way I'm God damn moving to Ida son-of-a-bitch, shit-eating ho."
01.03.06 • "She's the most used piece of equipment in the gym."
12.21.05 • "Will you stop that infernal tootling!"
12.21.05 • "Well, Mr. Anderson, we were able to retrieve your test results from the computer. And as I suppose you already know, you failed. God giveth. And the DMV taketh away. We can make your life a living hell."
12.14.05 • "I think 'Hole and a Half' kicks ass, and I'm proud as shit to have written it."
11.11.05 • "What if I can't do this job, Coleman? What if I'm not what they expected?"
09.20.05 • "I got a feeling that behind those jeans is something wonderful just waiting to get out."
08.16.05 • “I… want… a… fucking… car. Right. Fucking. Now.�?