Warning: seriously woo-woo entry ahead...
read more ↓As a general rule, when I go for, like, a decade without posting, it's safe to assume something's going on. Usually that something is either something I don't want to talk about, or something I want to talk about but don't know how. This time it's the latter.
So here's the deal: all the depressive rambling that's made up my blog over the last... oh, three or so months has really been getting me down. Not suicidal down, but to the point where I was wondering if I shouldn't just sell everything off and go live in a rural town, where I could sell fruit and become privy to more gossip than I could ever possibly want to know about my neighbor down the street. And that just didn't feel like me. The chattering in my brain that was keeping me up at night didn't feel like me, either. It's one thing to know when your complaints are your own, but entirely another when they feel like they come from a foreign source that has nothing to do with you. Obviously, it's weird to think and feel that way. So I decided it was time to call in the big guns and figure out what the hell was going on.
Readers of the book know I'm big on energy work and a lot of other holistic, natural and - as some think - off-the-wall healing modalities. I've gone from being a total skeptic to saying I'll try anything once, and though I haven't tried everything once, I've tried enough things to know what works for me. And one of the things that works for me is going to see Eileen. Of the energy workers I conspire with - for the record, there are technically four (if you count my acupuncturist) - Eileen is the one who really grabs me by the scruff of the neck and shakes whatever's fucking up my insides, out. You can see why I chose to call her after my last depressive missive. Because that's the thing - as I keep saying, there are some incredible things on the go right now. But this bizarre part of me isn't - or wasn't - allowing me to enjoy them.
It's hard for me to explain what Eileen does, and if you were to sit in on a session with us you'd probably think it was the most bizarre thing you'd ever seen. In layman's terms, Eileen looks at me from the perspective that I'm an energy grid. She can see in that grid where I'm locked up or blocked, and helps me clear those blocks. It's part therapy and part clearing, in that she talks me through a lot while also helping me to visualize and break through the barriers that hold me back from experiencing the best out of life - basically, undoing old programming on a cellular level to help me move forward the way I want to, without all the history and baggage weighing me down.
So here's where it gets extra freaky.
About a week or so ago - maybe longer, things have been pretty whirlwind lately - I sat down in Eileen's office like I always do when we have an appointment, and we started to talk. She told me she couldn't get me up on the table to work on things on a deeper level yet, because we had to talk some things through and break them down a bit on a conscious level so we could rip them apart on the subconscious. I always follow her lead. I don't always get what she's talking about, but I trust her, so whatever she says, goes.
She started talking, asking me questions, telling me that when I called her guides told her I needed to essentially have a system flush that would help me get the debris of old junk out of my system... but it became more than that. The more she talked, the deeper she dug, and she hit me on a subconscious level right away. I know this because - thank you, hypnotherapy - I was aware that we were talking, I could hear both of us and understand both of us, but I don't remember what in the hell we were saying. And I have a mind like a steel trap. I can still remember my first boyfriend's phone number, for Christ's sake.
Then she said, "How old were you when your house burned down?"
And it was like an anvil dropped on my head.
Rewind back to January. Actually, further if you really want to get technical. Last October when I was seeing my psychic for my semi-annual tune up, she told me that she can see I'm getting better at, you know, seeing. And I told her I knew. My dreams had become incredibly vivid, and I'd been able to predict certain events and happenings with a good degree of clarity (not lotto numbers yet, unfortunately.) It started to freak me out a bit, so I laid off from developing that further... and what freaked me out was what started happening in January. Namely, that I was having vivid premonitions that my home was going to burn to the ground. Sometimes I would burn with it, other times I was watching it burn, but watching it as if I were above it. I started to get severely freaked out that this was really going to happen, so I did what I had to to get out (and now realize I probably could've stayed there until mid-October, but that's an entirely different story.)
Anyway. When Eileen said what she said about the fire, I snapped to attention and closed my eyes, and told her what I could see. It was me - kind of... it wasn't the me of today, but a me that looked more like I was dressed for an episode of Buffy or Angel during which Angel would be required to employ his "Irish" accent for a flashback to the old Angelus days. (That's a long way of saying, "Try sometime around the 1800s.") I was in my bedroom in a home that was burning, and I was watching everyone I knew run for safety. And nobody was saving me. It was so damn vivid that I swear I could feel the heat of the flames, smell the smoke, and feel the anguish gripping my heart as I realized I was going to die.
I opened my eyes and thought, Am I going mad?
The concept of past lives fascinates me, and I'm not entirely sure I understand it. And I don't even know if I want to yet, to be honest. I saw a medium once who channeled my grandfather and told me things so completely alarmingly personal that he had no way of knowing ahead of time. And at the end of the session he asked me, "Have I made a case that proves to you that souls live on and transfer through long after the body has died?" I can't lie - he kind of did. And I know there's the whole idea that a soul can then enter a new body to finish the business it didn't complete in the old one, often repeating cycles until it figures out how not to...
...and that got me to thinking about how my whole life has been built on looking for people to save me who just don't have the capacity to. Parents, friends, lovers... a repeated cycle, over and over again until very recently, lived out with all the people I've chosen to have as a part of my life. And it's nothing personal, they just can't. And so I've had to learn to save myself.
Hmm.
I won't go into explicit details of what went on in that room, partially because it's still too far out there for me to understand and get a good grasp on, partially because it's personal. But needless to say something clicked in me that day, and I walked out of that room feeling like a completely different person. I was - and have been - happy, calm, excited about life, and not weighed down by depression and those nasty voices in my head telling me everything is falling to shit.
I can't deny that sometimes this stuff goes way beyond what I accept and understand to be reality. But when it makes such a difference in my life and how I'm both able and capable of living it, I also can't deny that there's a shred of truth to what I'm experiencing, either. It's a strange tightrope to walk... and I still need to get my balance.
Then again, maybe I don't have to know. Maybe I just have to trust...
(For now, anyway.)
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Wow.
You're amazing!
