Wow, am I ever glad that’s over. Thankfully the storm has passed and all that’s left is cleaning up the debris… which I’ll get to writing about eventually. I’m feeling newly inspired after spending a few days in a funk (and watching Diablo Cody walk away with an Oscar), and there are some stories I haven’t told that I feel compelled to tell now. But before we get to that, let’s finish off the Kabbalah stuff.
Kabbalah Schooling, 19 through 23
Free at last! Free at last!
(Okay, maybe I’m being a teeny bit overdramatic.)
read more ↓So let’s start with session 19, which is all about what we’re seeking – the light. Not in that on-the-brink-of-death way. Sort of. Actually, maybe not. Seeking light is what it’s all about, be it life or death, so scratch what I said before. The lecture centered around explaining what Light is – a metaphor that stands for the broad spectrum of fulfillment for which human beings belong. I liked the sound of that… kind of like, it’s rightfully mine to have and share. The other thing I liked? The quote, “The more light we see in others, the more light we see in ourselves.”
My homework was to help me understand where I’ve experienced light in my life, like dancing or singing, painting, anything that brings me joy, and then to list more ways that I can open up to light ever day. But on top of that, I had to keep a gratitude journal for 15 days. I don’t know how many days in I am on my gratitude journal, but it’s something I plan on doing every day. Even in the midst of my hellfire last week I found the time to write down the best things about each day, which helped me feel a little less helpless, a little more hopeful. If I could see good things in the midst of the storm I was weathering, then surely there would be more good to come, no?
Session 20 discussed The Vessel, meaning your capacity to give and receive, and whether or not you limit yourself to what you can actually accept into your life. The homework did a good job of solidifying this for me – asking me to point out missed opportunities for appreciation (like appreciating some of my past work a little more), how I’d like to leave a legacy (help others to look at their lives differently so they can make a change for the better), how I’m reactive (panicking to get things done) versus proactive (calm assertion in executing my goals.) And then I got to decide what I want next, and what my legacy should be… but I’m not ready to share that yet. It still feels a bit too private.
Session 21 was awesome – Stop Taking From Others. The line that kicked my ass in this lesson? “Judgment comes from our underlying need to be in control and/or feel significant.” Good lord, no kidding. How many times have I looked on others negatively because I secretly wished I had what they had, even though the version of what they had might not be perfect for me? This is something I’ve been dealing with a lot in the Artist’s Way work, too – understanding that when I envy someone else’s career, it’s because I’m blocked and not where I want to be. This is something I’ve secretly struggled with for years, and last night I finally realized I’m over it. Why? Because when Diablo picked up her little gold man, instead of griping about how she nailed it on her first time out of the gate and how much I hated the horseshoes she managed to cram up her behind, I felt happy for her. I was impressed. And I immediately started working on those script ideas that have been gathering dust on my computer for the last year or two.
Session 22 looked at sharing with others… which seems like a simple concept until you wrap your head around the fact that sometimes sharing with others means allowing them to share with you. Of course, it’s all about sharing with the right intentions… sharing for gain of the self is frowned upon, because it just encourages a negative cycle. So what kind of selfless sharing did I do for my homework? I made an effort to smile at all my neighbors that I encountered throughout the day, because I felt good and figured it might be nice to share that. I gave away my coffee table to someone via Craigslist rather than try to sell it, so that I could pay forward for the free armoire that I was gifted with. I leant a friend an ear and listened without judgment, without interruption, and without telling her how to live her life and what to fix.
The one hitch in my plan was the Giving Log. For 24 hours I had to log in all the times that I shared unconditionally with others, which was a snap – I could do that, no problem. The issue I had was with allowing others to share with me. I had a hard time coming up with examples of where I was an unconditional receiver, giving other people the opportunity to feel the way I felt about sharing what I had with others. It’s something I’ve always struggled with, and it’s something I’ll probably have to continue working on for a bit. I’ve been in the position of people pleaser for so long that it’s hard to break out of that pattern.
And last but not least, session 23: making this last. After a quick rundown of what I’d learned over the last 23 sessions, my homework asked me to reevaluate my goals from the first session and look at what’s different for me from then until now. Some of the goals remain the same, but the intention behind them are different. Others? Just don’t seem to matter anymore. I realize there’s a bigger picture at play, and that some of the goals I set were small-minded thinking. But one of my priorities has changed in terms of self-care and self-worth – namely, that I want to make more of an effort to focus on the positive so that I can bring more of it to me, but I have to honor the negative and experience it from time to time in order to understand and appreciate the positive. Hence Bawlfest 2008 last week.
So what’s next? I’m taking a slight break from this for a little bit. Though I notice myself utilizing some of the tricks that I learned through the homework, there are other things that still hang on to me like Lee Press-On Nails – they had their time, but that time has long passed. I figure it can’t hurt to go through the sessions and the workbook again to really dig out some of those issues. And I’m eager to start work on Level Two, but I know that will come in due time.
In the meantime, I have other stuff to keep me busy: planning, budgeting, problem solving, and in two days, Scotland.
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