Kabbalah Schooling, days 4, 5 & 6
I have been sitting here for an hour trying to find any excuse not to write this entry. We’re starting to get into the stuff that I hate – owning up to my choices in life, and determining whether or not I want to be the cause or effect. And I know I’m going to hate blogging about this the more I get into it. And I’m cramming raw sunflower seeds in my gullet as another method of distraction. (Hello, trigger!)
Alright, on with it.
read more ↓Lesson four was pretty basic. Focusing on creating fulfillment, the majority of the lecture was based around discussing why there has to be a struggle in the process of getting what you want (the short version – because you’ll appreciate it more and won’t be as apt to piss it away the way you would if someone presented it to you on a platter five minutes after you wished for it.) My workbook exercises asked me to detail the most challenging part of my life, what I learned and how I grew from it, and whether or not I earned it. (I think the book pretty much covers all that ground.)
And then it started to get a little uncomfortable for me. I had to answer questions like, “What do you really want for deeper fulfillment? Who do you really want to become? Are you really doing what you’re meant to do? What is your sense of true calling?” Questions like this are always tough for me, because while I know the answer in my gut, my head – and old programming – like to override it. I write down what I want and who I want to become, and it tells me I’m dreaming – I have no hope. I write down that writing is like breathing to me, and it tells me that I need to give it up, that I’m kidding myself about being any good. And I hate it. I hate that I can’t write down positive affirmations about my life without some commentary with the asshole who lives in my head trying to shoot me down. (Understand that said asshole is metaphorical – I in no way believe that there is actually someone who lives inside my head… aside from all the other crazies in there.)
This brings us to lesson five: choice. Quoting directly from my workbook, “People often seek spirituality when their life has been shattered; when we are living as an Effect and wonder about our life’s purpose. When we choose, we step out of the program we are born into, and start to become the Cause.”
Okay, so you’re saying it wasn’t a good idea to mow down half a bag of spitz in an effort to bury my emotional turmoil? That maybe I should’ve listened to my gut, which was saying, “I’d rather you choose a cup of tea?” Right. Gotcha. I hate that I’m still dealing with the fact that I’ve been powerless to my triggers – that my emotional state can still encourage me to eat, or my skin to break out, or my body to tense up. And yes, it’s my choice. I can overpower my outdated urge to eat emotionally, it’s just easier not to. I can stop working myself up so much that my face resembles a Sigalert map, it’s just easier not to. Tensing? Same thing. And I hate that I have to accept that a lot of issues that I’ve been dealing with over the past year are largely due to my own actions, performed without thinking, “How is this going to affect me down the road?” I’ve been slowly breaking myself of the habit of making decisions quickly like I’m running a race against time. I’ve still got work to do.
On to lesson six: being the cause. Basically, what do I want my life to look like? What do I want to apply myself to in an effort to ensure it happens that way? And how much of it is solely for my benefit, versus something I can share with those around me? That part I was fine with, but the part that nailed me was when I had to write down instances in which I’ve been a victim.
Before I get on that path, I want to stress that my writing about this is fairly quick and glossy – I’m not going overly deep into the teachings so much as I’m going into my experience with it. But that said, I want to make it clear that when they – or I – refer to being a “victim,” it’s not like they – or I – are (or am, I guess) saying that anyone willingly puts themselves into a situation where they become physically harmed or anything of that nature. Sometimes shitty things happen to good people. That’s not what we’re talking about in this instance – what we’re talking about is when you manipulate a situation in order to benefit selfishly.
For example? In my last relationship, I would manipulate situations so that I could be taken care of because I thought that was the only way I could get love. In friendships, I have placed incredibly high goals for my friends to prove themselves with, then whined when they couldn’t achieve them, and moaned even further as I was "forced" to cut them out of my life. I have blamed others for money issues, personal conflicts, bad relationships and mistakes, not owning up at all to my side of things because, “everything happens to me.” Which is why it’s so important for me now to stop, take a step back from a situation, and decide how I want to act instead of react.
Next up, the ego as the opponent. I can already tell this one’s going to be a nightmare. I’ve tried listening to the CD at least three times today, and it’s been a struggle to focus.
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