…and once again I am left to ask myself, what is it that I want?
read more ↓It’s funny how once you let go of the protective barrier that anger can give you, you feel your sensitivities so much more. I mean, maybe that’s obvious. But for some reason I guess I thought that the little things that used to bug me wouldn’t bug me now that I’ve grown, now that I’m a different person. But no. It just means that the anger blocked a lot of things. And now that it’s not there I can’t pretend that I’m not sensitive.
So here’s the scenario, for those of you who can’t read my mind: I’m on vacation with her, and she called me fat and a loser. Not that blunt and outright, mind you – there’s background on both of these comments. The first comment was made after I told her not to call herself fat. She was referring to a pair of pants that didn’t fit her “fat ass” anymore, and I said, “Don’t you dare call yourself fat. If you do, I’ll dunk you.” And her response was, “Okay, then they don’t fit your fat ass.” And she laughed. The second scenario was me describing why I liked the classic Grinch over the Jim Carrey fiasco, explaining about how my Grinch is just a straight-up bastard, period. And she said, “Well, you don’t like it because you’re just a big loser.”
Was it sarcasm? Yes. Does that make it bother me any less? No. Trust me – I feel stupid sitting here feeling annoyed by this. Maybe I’m so affected because I see a lot of my old self in there – the snarkiness, throwing out snap comments, using words that could cut through someone enough to cut them down to size so that I felt a little less small next to them. And maybe that’s what it is, but it’s really hard for me to wrap my head around why anyone would want to say anything like that to anyone, even if it’s sarcastic.
The sarcasm always hides something, doesn’t it? Whether it’s your own insecurities or the truth about how you really feel. It’s easier to insult someone you like to their face if you do it in a “funny” way, it’s easier to pretend that you’re not intimidated by them if you tear a strip off them in a way that’s deemed amusing, it’s much simpler to give a backhanded compliment than to tell someone they’re in your heart. But what’s the point? Why are we so afraid to be who we are and say what we want to say that we have to hide behind snide comments and backhanded compliments?
Over the past few months I’ve found that I’ve been less and less inclined to speak this way. And it’s not that I’ve lost my sense of humor or that I’m becoming a wet blanket, just that maybe my idea of communication has become a bit more refined… which isn’t to say that I see myself as being above anyone or that I’m becoming hoity toity. Just that I recognize the power that words can have on people, and I’d rather choose words that have a good effect rather than a bad one. I’d rather use words that are both respectful of me and the person that I’m speaking with. Sure, the sarcasm slips in here and there from time to time, mostly out of habit than anything else. But when it does slip in, it feels less and less natural. Like I’m speaking a language I don’t really know all that well anymore.
So what do I want to do? Do I want to pitch a fit about it, ranting and raving, explaining how I should be treated? Or do I want to accept that this is where she is right now, and that maybe it’s a phase and maybe it’s not, but either way I don’t have to absorb those words? Maybe this is who she is, and maybe that’s okay… just like it’s okay that I am who I am?
I’m thinking maybe the latter. It seems like the path of least resistance, and I’m not in the mood to push anymore. I’ve pushed too much in the past and it’s never gotten me anywhere. Time to try something new.
↑ close
