So, I was a bit of a jerk last night.
Let me rewind a little.
read more ↓At the almost last minute Colleen sent me an invite to be a part of LA Bloggers Live, and organizer Leah Peterson graciously welcomed me to join in on all the fun. I decided to read this, because I figured that I should get used to reading such intimate things in front of other people. The reading itself went fine - I was way more comfortable on stage this time than when I did Subject Line Here. But before everything got rolling, I was a bit of a jerk.
I found a spot to park quite easily and looked for Colleen once I got inside. I said hello and she introduced me to Leah, and then I re-met Bonnie and Keith (who I'd apparently met at SLH, but that wasn't the greatest of nights for me, so I didn't retain a lot from that evening.) So Colleen and Leah left and Keith said to me, "So I hear you know more about porn than anyone else?"
My stomach sank as I snapped my head to look at him. "I what?!?"
"Know more about porn," he said, and I looked at what he was reading, which was a little piece of paper that had all the readers listed with all their blogs, and a one-sentence description next to each of them. And next to mine, it said that I knew about porn more than anyone else.
"Oh no, no, no, no, no, no," I said. "Who said this? Why is this here?"
This is where Leah comes in. She approached and asked what was wrong, and I tried to tell her in a measured way that I didn't necessarily want to call attention to that part of my life because although it was a part of my life, it wasn't the only part of my life... and I'd left that life behind years ago... and I'd done so many other things... and couldn't we talk about my book instead? And... and... and?
The more I explained, the worse I was making her feel. And while I hadn't intended on making her feel bad, I couldn't stop the runaway train of talk that was falling out of my mouth. If you've ever met Leah, you're aware of how ultra sweet she is... which means I felt even more horrid about how I'd leapt down her throat. And while all this was going on, all I could think was, "Why am I so uncomfortable with this?"
After a while I realized that I was being silly. After all, it is in my bio, and what she wrote may very well be true - though I have no idea, not knowing all of your porn habits. Anyway, I told her it was okay to introduce me that way when she went on stage, and I meant it - it was. I tried to explain again that I sort of felt like it wasn't really me anymore, but it still wasn't coming out right and I think it was just succeeding in making her feel worse. I tried to make a joke or two about it at my own expense once I got on stage, but it kind of came off flat and not quite right - just like all my explaining. So I just read my piece and went on my merry little way.
Later when I called Adam to tell him what had happened, it finally hit me what had bothered me so much. When I left the industry, all I heard 24/7 was how I'd be back, I'd never make it in the real world, nobody would ever want to work with me with that on my resume... you name it, I heard it. And it was just like what it felt to be told I'd never be Barbara Walters with my lisp, or that I'd never amount to anything but a fry girl at McDonald's when I left high school (no offense to fry girls out there - y'all rock. It's just that with my dreams having been bigger than that, their comments were clearly meant to demoralize me.) So even though it wasn't meant in that way at all, hearing that comment and seeing it on paper immediately made me feel like I was always going to be "the porn girl."
But that's my thing, really. It's my issue to deal with, it's my mental process that I have to undo. Because I realize that for most people who've never been there and didn't know me during that time, they're going to be curious. It's not a usual career trajectory, and I know that. And people will want to ask questions. And when they do, it might not always be because they're judging me for where I've been and what I've done.
Another thing I realized last night? Some people just aren't going to be happy, no matter what. Some people are going to complain and nitpick and find something wrong with everything. And you know what? That's just fine - they can do that. And because they can do that, I can also choose not to apologize for who I am (unless it's warranted, like above), what I do, how long my entries are, how introspective they are, how not funny they are... this is where I'm at right now. It's a big growth period, and growth periods aren't always the most amusing processes.
But the big thing I realized about this is I'm enjoying myself. And that's what counts. And if you enjoy it, learn from it or find it helps you grow too, then that's icing on the cake.
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