I’m in Monterey… and I’m surrounded by ghosts.
read more ↓It feels strange to come back to a place that was so much a part of me until it suddenly wasn’t. Ghosts of past loves, former extended family… they’re all here, and they’re asking for absolution. Not directly, of course. I actually spent the afternoon wandering around the mall slightly terrified that I might run into one of them. What would I say? What would they say? Then again, maybe there’s not anything to say and I’m making a big deal out of nothing. (It wouldn’t be the first time.)
But it still feels strange.
I’m in Monterey to cover the Lexus/Vogue fashion preview, staying at the Inn on Spanish Bay, which is where I stayed with…. Well. Where I stayed with someone very special to me. They’ve given me a Lexus to drive around while I’m here, so naturally I hopped into it as soon as I checked in and tried to remember how to get to the mall, except I got sidetracked and would up driving through downtown Monterey, through Cannery Row, back around Highway One… and finally to the mall, where I parked at the Whole Foods. I did the business I had to do there, then decided to wander over to the Macy’s to exchange some MAC goodies for other MAC goodies (god bless their recycling program.)
And it felt strange.
I noticed my old habits cropping up again. I felt uncomfortable and weird and on edge, so naturally I wanted to turn to food. I bargained with my brain and talked it into a compromise – a vegan raw foods energy bar with cocoa flavoring instead of an entire chocolate cake. But Brain wasn’t satisfied with that, so it tried tactic number two – trying to talk me into spending money I don’t have on things I don’t need. I shut it up by trying on things I knew wouldn’t fit and taking it to the bookstore, where both of us went into a zen-like state and got lost in the smell of printed paper.
But that strange feeling still nagged at me. It felt strange to walk the halls of that mall and see how much things have changed while staying the same. It felt strange to get back on Highway One and forget which turnoff I took to get back to the hotel, so I used the GPS to point me in the right direction, and it pointed me in the direction of where I used to live. I drove to the ocean and parked. It was windy as hell, but everything was so green and the ocean air smelled so good… I didn’t even care that I was freezing my ass off as I walked down to the water to watch the waves crash at my feet while I wondered how in the hell golfers could play an effective game with the trees laying sideways from the powerful ocean breeze.
Good memories, bad memories… so many memories, and they all need to go now. I’ve processed them and they’ve done what they needed to do, so it’s time for them to go. I breathed in the ocean air and thought about what life has in store for me over the next few months, and for once I felt calm about it. All this change that I’ve been experiencing has felt somewhat overwhelming, even though I know it’s all coming because I’m ready for it. And it’s not just because I’ve had an incredible support system in place (who I’ve taken to calling my Pit Crew) – it’s because I asked for it. I wanted it. And yeah, sometimes it’s hard to look back and realize some of the things I’ve said and done to people that I cared about… but I guess that’s how you learn, right?
So I’m on a mission to make new memories of this place this weekend. I’ve just ordered room service, I have Madagascar on TV and the fireplace is roaring, then there's drinks with colleagues this evening, an early night to bed, and then I start my day with the spa tomorrow. I have plans for hiking, biking, and even golfing (I curse that damned golf clinic I took in Puerto Rico for that, but I’m in the golf mecca of the universe – how can I avoid it?) At some point I have to go to cover the fashion show, but aside from that, my activities are up to me.
It’s time to let it all go. It’s time to start anew. It’s time to move forward.
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