People. It’s December 1st.
You realize what that means, right? Time to kick this Christmas cheer business into overdrive.
And so I present to you, Christmas Cheer Tip number four: do not pass go, do not collect $200, do not do squat until you start listening to Christmas music non-stop from this very moment until at least December 26th.
Some recommendations for your playlist:
• Anything Sung by Burl Ives or Bing Crosby. Ignore the fact that Bing was rumored to get drunk and beat his family, and focus instead on the deliciously Christmassy dulcet tones of his voice – especially when he does The Little Drummer Boy with David Bowie.
• Anything Horribly 80s Cheese. If you don’t have a copy of Do They Know It’s Christmas?, you’re a curmudgeonly prick. Pure and simple. And while I’d normally discourage depressing Christmas songs, Last Christmas by Wham! gets a free pass because of this category.
• The Entire Chipmunks’ Christmas CD. But at the very least, their Christmas carol is a necessity.
• The Entire Muppets Christmas CD. How can you resist John Denver and The Muppets? Seriously, their rendition of The 12 Days of Christmas should win a Grammy every year. Or a Billboard award. MTV VMA? I’m having a hard time picking a music award that has some cache. Little help?
• Here Comes Santa Claus by Elvis Presley. Just picture those little hips wiggling as his background singers croon “bop, bop, bop” in the background.
• Let It Snow and What Are You Doing New Year’s by Harry Connick Jr. If it were possible to have sex with a voice, this would be the voice to try with. (I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense – I’m high on Christmas cheer, alright?)
• Santa Baby by Madonna. I realize there’s more classic renditions of this song to go with, but I prefer the pre-voice lessons, pre-Tweezerman, carpet-definitely-doesn't-match-the-curtains Madonna version. See 80s Cheese recommendation for further reference.
• Christmastime Is Here Again by The Peanuts. Also, the “loo, loo, loo” version of Hark the Herald Angels Sing.
• Oh Holy Night by the cast of South Park. It’s specifically sung by Cartman, but everyone makes an appearance. And it’s fucking hilarious.
• God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen by That Cheesetastic Orchestra That I Can’t Remember The Name Of, But They’re Currently On Tour, And I Know This Because They Ran An Ad For Their Concerts During Adult Swim One Night. I know you’d know what I meant if you heard the song.
• Jingle Bells by Frank Sinatra. Drink a Scotch while you listen. If that doesn’t put you in the mood, nothing will. In fact, just buy the entire Christmas With the Rat Pack CD.
• Anything Sung by a Children’s Choir. You’re a heartless bastard if you don’t melt at the sound of wee voices singing in perfect pitch because they fear a beating from their showbiz parents.
And what, you’re asking, should you avoid? Funny you should ask – there’s a list for that, too:
• Anything Too Divalicious. This means Celine Dion, Jessica Simpson, and with a few exceptions, Mariah Carey. The reason why is because they butcher the beautiful simplicity of the song with their desire to show off their 8-billion octave range. You have a beautiful voice. We know. You don’t need to overdo it, because that just takes away from you and the song. And yet… eh.
• Anything That Tries to Blend More Than One Christmas Song in an Effort to Become an Ultimate Christmas Song. Example? Happy Christmas (The War Is Over) by Celine Dion. Why am I not surprised that she’d be overdoing it?
• Depressing Christmas Songs. Blue Christmas by Elvis, Whatever Happened To Christmas by Aimee Mann… no, no, no. Just don’t, unless you have a suicide pact with someone.
• Most Modern Versions of Classic Christmas Tunes. With few exceptions, there’s just something sacrilegious about most modern interpretations of the classics. Best just to stick with the old school versions rather than assault your ears or waste your money on something like Now This Is Christmas!
Okay, that should be enough to get you started. Off you go, now. Force some Christmas cheer into that black soul of yours! You’ll feel better, I promise.
(Also, comments will be fixed soon so you can all tell me how insane I am. Even though I already know. And don't much care.)
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