Carly Milne • Blog • "Gary! You told me you were combing your hair!"

March 14, 2006

"Gary! You told me you were combing your hair!"

You all remember Pasha, right?

She's intrigued by a toy likeness of herself.

She’s seriously cramping my lifestyle.

(WARNING! TMI and possibly NSFW entry ahead!)

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Let it be known that I love my kitty to the ends of this earth. I’ve had her ever since she was a kitten – which was, if I remember correctly, 16 years ago (and she hasn’t aged a bit – she sees the same plastic surgeon as Joan Rivers.) She has moved all over the world with me. She adores me to the umpteenth degree. I know this because whenever I sit down she has to be on top of me. Seriously – she can sleep the whole night through on my back in the crook of my armpit (as I am a stomach sleeper), wake up with me, then insist to sit on my lap when I get to my desk. I’m not sure what’s up with the separation anxiety, but whatever – she tends to get over it and find another place to chill. I suspect part of this is that I’ve yet to get my couch, so she’s reduced to sleeping on the lounge chair.

Anyway. Last night after I got home from the fashion reception at the W and had my handful of trail mix, I busted ass on some work and shut down to go to sleep sometime in the wee hours of the morning. But before I laid myself down to sleep, I decided to rub one out for the following reasons:

1) Orgasms relieve cramps, and Aunt Flo is in the mother fucking hizouse.
2) Few things are as enjoyable as a pre-sleep de-stressing to lull you into dreamland.
3) Campbell looked especially hot last night, and we didn’t spend the night together, so…

My weapon of choice is the Hitachi Magic Wand, known as the Cadillac of vibrators. It’s roughly the size of one, too. So when I use the term “rub one out,�? I mean it – its bulbous head and gale-force vibrations threaten to erase my goodies. As such, I don’t use it on a regular basis. But when I wanna get the job done in record time so I can go to sleep, the Magic Wand is the way to go.

I remember when I first got it, it came with an instruction booklet. This amused me to no end. First of all, they call it a “household electric massager,�? as if you’re going to massage your ottoman with it or something.

Then they give you a diagram of everywhere it can be used, complete with care and feeding instructions.

One of the helpful instructions - don't use it in the bathtub. Duh!

Look a little closer at the diagram. Notice something missing?

Aside from the fact that she has no genetalia.

Here, let me fix that.

That’s better. Note to Hitachi - nobody uses this thing for anything other than a vibrator. It's almost exclusively sold in sex toy stores. Get over it.

Anyway. I shut down my computer, brushed my teeth and hopped into bed with the Magic Wand, and started my internal movie monitor on Campbell Reel Seven: The Calvin Klein Underwear Clips. And just as I’m starting to get my groove on, I feel kitty paws in my chest. Yes, Pasha was half standing on my sternum and staring at me. In the darkness she looked like a Little Grey… or a newly svelte Star Jones – take your pick. Either way, she looked nothing like Campbell in his Calvin’s, and as such, was killing my girl wood.

“Not now, Piddy,�? I told her gently, and eased her off with my elbow. See, I have to be gentle and nice to her because if I launch her off the bed like she’s completely unwanted and has done something really wrong, she – made of delicate sensibilities and unstable constitution – will vomit on the floor, and nothing ruins the mood more than hearing her barf. I'm not kidding when I say it’s a production so intricate and detailed that it’s scripted by Eszterhas and produced by Bruckheimer. Her entire body gets into it – her tail starts curling, her back rolls, her ears pull back and her entire body convulses, not to mention it sounds like she’s going to expel the alien from Alien. This whole procedure lasts at least two minutes and usually winds up yeilding a hairball the size of a dime, which makes me wonder why the big production. But still. My point is, Pasha puking + jilling off = ruined mood, and likely, no money shot.

So fine, she wanders away and I get back into mode. Just as I’m starting to clear the last hurdle, I feel paws on my leg. Then an entire kitty body on my leg.

She is laying on my leg, I’m thinking. She is laying on my leg and this is seriously bothering me. Why doesn’t she understand that the vibrating noise means it’s not cuddle time? How in the hell am I going to get her off of me without her puking all over the place out of passive aggression?

So gently, I pull my leg out from under her. Problem solved. My mood recovered, my internal movie player moved on to more x-rated clips, I finish and feel contented.

I turn my head and see Pasha sitting right next to my pillow, staring at me in disbelief.

“What?�? I ask her.

She gets off the bed and promptly upchucks.

I once had a friend tell me that you were in the major leagues of masturbation if you could do it with your pet watching. Looks like I’m still on the farm team.

Next time, I’m locking her out of the bedroom.

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11:46 AM • permalink

Kevin
11:46 AM
Mar 14 2006

You should specify that it's NSFW because you will be ROTFLYAO.

Seriously, how else are you supposed to take "I'm not kidding when I say it’s a production so intricate and detailed that it’s scripted by Eszterhas and produced by Bruckheimer. Her entire body gets into it – her tail starts curling, her back rolls, her ears pull back and her entire body convulses, not to mention it sounds like she’s going to expel the alien from Alien."

Regina
11:46 AM
Mar 14 2006

farm team, eh? so what happens if you're so sanguine about it that you've actually braced your foot on the 90-pound Labrador retriever at the end of the bed -- without even realizing that (a) he was there or (b) you were bracing your foot on him? i mean, i've done that before during spontenous almost-asleep sex with the bf when neither of us has the mental alertness to send the dog down to the Dog Bed On The Floor ... but for solo sex, am I being somehow ... gross?

Lara
11:46 AM
Mar 14 2006

Hahaha! I seriously could NOT stop laughing! Haha I hear its tough to get off the ground out of the farm team.

Pauly D
11:46 AM
Mar 14 2006

Don't hate me for zeroing in on the trail mix comment, but I'd love to know what kind you eat.

Is it the kind with the chocolate pieces or the carob pieces? Does it have raisins? What kind.

Carly
11:46 AM
Mar 14 2006

Pauly, I can tell you exactly the brand: Flanigan Farms Natural Foods Nuts n' Things. No chocolate or carob, just raisins, almonds, pepitas, sunflower seeds, cashews, etc.

Neil
11:46 AM
Mar 14 2006

Strange but true fact -- when I was a teenager, my stereo was made by Hitachi! And I used to do a similar activity in my room while listening to loud music.

Hitachi -- the brand of choice!

Neil
11:46 AM
Mar 14 2006

By the way, what is TMI?

Carly
11:46 AM
Mar 14 2006

Too Much Information.

sandra
11:46 AM
Mar 14 2006

I once dated someone whose cat would perch on his nightstand and just STARE while we were doing our thing. It totally weirded me out -- so I guess I'm on the farm team too.

Maybe you should feed your cat the trail mix? In the other room?

Kathryn
11:46 AM
Mar 14 2006

"Note to Hitachi - nobody uses this thing for anything other than a vibrator. It's almost exclusively sold in sex toy stores. Get over it."

Did you see that Sex in the City episode where Samantha takes her vibrator back to Sharper Image because it's b0rked, and they say, "It's not a vibrator. It's a personal massager." She looks at the sales guy and says, "WHo do you think you're kidding? People who buy this aren't using this on their necks."

Kathryn
11:46 AM
Mar 14 2006

Oh yeah ... and I have a cat story. A friend got a new suede flogger, and was demonsrating it on my back. I was lying down face down, and just feeling the whish whish of soft suede, when all of a sudden I felt a heavy weight of two things pressed in my back and going bat bat bat. My friend's cat had seen the flogger swishing, and thinking it was a toy, jumped on the bed and started batting it with his paws. it was hilarious.

Jacynth
11:46 AM
Mar 14 2006

Actually, I like to put the Hitachi "massager" in my ear. What were they thinking? Sounds like your cat isn't the only pussy that wanted some last night. Oh, god, stop me.