I don't pretend to know what it's like to have a penis. In fact, the very idea of owning a penis terrifies me to no end. Where would I put it when I wear pants? This is a big issue for me, as I'm not the kind of girl who likes existing solely in skirts and dresses. How would I pee with it when I have to go real, real bad? I just envision something akin to a fire hose running full blast and left unattended, with a mind of its own, beyond the control of my hands. And while the thought of writing someone's name in the snow - if I still lived near snow - intrigues me, it just seems like too much junk to deal with down there. I like the compactness of my vag. For the most part, it's easy and breezy. But a penis? No thank you. I don't know what it's like to be kicked in the nuts, and I don't want to know.
That being said, tonight I learned how to execute the Piss Shake.
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I had various doctor's appointments this afternoon, and afterward I dropped by Campbell's place, seeing as the only contact we'd had with one another this week was for an hour or two at Monday's fashion reception. Campbell came home from golf and I hugged him hello, and I continued to hug him from behind as he went to the bathroom to wash his hands.
"I have a growth on my back," he told me.
"I know," I said.
"I have to pee," he told me.
"I'm not stopping you," I said.
Understand that we are not the couple that executes bathroom activities in front of one another. It's not that either of us are squeamish or want to pretend we don't do that kind of stuff (you know, like you do during the beginning of your relationship), but really, some things can remain private - we don't need to be up each other's asses all the time. So unless it's an emergency - like either his or my shower giving either of us that "I can't wait" feeling, and even then we turn away to give the other privacy - we're not in the same bathroom at the same time when one of us has to do the do.
So I fully expected Campbell to laugh and tell me to go or whatever, but he didn't. He dropped his pants and began to pee.
"Are you really doing that?" I asked.
"I told you I had to go," he said.
Campbell has illuminated many things to me about the penis during this activity. For example, apparently he gets pee chills. Sometimes when he's expelling, he gets a chill that causes him to emit the appropriate "brrr" comment. He's also commentated on the need for The Tap... which brought something to mind. "Can I do the tap?"
"Sure," he said. "Are you ready?"
I froze. What if I did it wrong? I don't have a penis -- I couldn't possibly know how to tap. But instead I said, "Okay," and reached down.
(Seeing as I've already explained this much to you, I'll also tell you I felt really retarded at this point.)
Anyway. I grabbed him gently and did a tap tap with my index finger.
He laughed.
"Am I not doing it right?"
"No, gimme your hand." And he grabbed it, put it around him and made this waggle movement.
"That's not a tap, that's more of a waggle," I bitched. "I was mislead!"
"It's the piss shake!"
"Waggle!"
He tucked himself back into his pants. And that was that.
Penises are so complex.
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