Naturally I know this first hand. The first relationship I blogged about was interesting, because I straddled the line between what I presented as being perfect and what was actually really fucked up. Not that I was lying about anything, because everything I posted was true… but at the same time I was selectively truthful in what I revealed because I didn’t want people to chastise me for being in such a shitty relationship. The second relationship I blogged was even more interesting because it was the first time I’d ever openly discussed my sex life. And while it was hardly swing parties where everyone blew coke up one another’s asses, it was the first time I was explicit enough about what happened in my boudoir that people I knew blushed and couldn’t look me in the eye when we were in public. And now, in this relationship with Campbell, I’m learning a new way to write about our escapades: truthful but private as needed, little divulging of sex-life stuff, and frequent mentions of golf. It seems to be working out quite well so far, but it’s not without its hiccups from time to time.

And so, it struck me that my experiences should serve as a cautionary tale – a guide, if you will, on How To Date If You Have A Blog. (Alternate title: How To Blog If You Have A Date.)

But first, a caveat: this is dependent on whether or not you want to admit to this dateable person that you’re a blogger, seeing as admission of such is somewhat like telling someone you’re an alcoholic – while a widespread epidemic that affects many people and is hardly taboo, many still get freaked out if you admit you’re afflicted for fear of how to handle the situation properly. So if you’re an anonymous blogger, this doesn’t apply to you. Go ahead – measure his cockhead and post the results on your site along with audio of his gaseousness. Nobody’s going to know the difference. But for you public types who believe in full-disclosure to the one you’re going to bump uglies with, heed my warnings.

1) Do Not Post All Your Sexual Escapades On Your Blog. Seriously. While it’s fun to recount the time you did the nasty on the slide in the playground next to your local elementary school, you never know who’s going to be reading it: his boss, his mother, his psycho ex-girlfriend who promptly takes up sending you threatening e-mails about how she’s going to cut out your uterus and wear it as a hat. But worst of all, perverts who are going to likely use your missives as masturbation material, fantasizing about how your words are speaking directly to them, providing them with fuel for what eventually becomes a stalker fire as they imagine themselves in the place of your significant other. So I’d shy away from the explicit, play-by-play bedroom recaps. But if you insist on breaking this rule, at least post corresponding pictures for chrissake.

2) Do Not Post Things You Assume To Be Innocuous On Your Blog. Remember that time you watched him slip on the grass and bail most ungracefully when he was playing touch football? Remember that time she accidentally farted on your leg when you two were sleeping spooned? Funny at the time? Yes. Funny on a blog for hundreds, thousands, maybe even millions to see? Not so much. You never know what event that seems funny in private suddenly becomes not so funny in a public forum, so the best way to circumvent the consequential silent treatment is to ask permission.

3) Do Not Ask For Permission To Post Innocuous Things On Your Blog. This opens up a whole new kettle of fish, and it’s something I went through recently. You might recall this entry, wherein I wrote about Campbell’s mother’s psycho dirty panty-eating Pomeranian. After I finished writing the piece I called Campbell and read it to him. It was slightly different than the one that actually got published. At the end when I talked about the final confrontation, I’d written that Campbell watched the dog’s vicious attack, too frozen to move.

“Can you change that?� he asked.

“Why?�

“Because it makes me sound like I don’t protect or stick up for you.�

I laughed. “Honey, give me a break. I’m being overly dramatic for entertainment’s sake. I think people will know that a 6’5 man isn’t afraid of a freakin’ Pomeranian.�

“Yeah, but you already said once already that I was scared.�

“I did not. Where did I say that?�

“You said I was scared the first time…�

My eyes scanned the page. “No I didn’t, I said you were shocked.�

“I’d still rather that you changed it.�

Sighing, I said, “Alright, I just deleted it.�

“No, don’t delete it,� he told me. “Just say that I watched in amusement or something, because that’s more what I was doing.�

“Okay.�

“And add something about my big penis.�

Which brings me to my next point.

4) Do Not Force Them To Become A Reader Of Your Blog. My creative integrity wouldn’t have been compromised had I not have just let him drift along in a blissful state of being unaware, because until I started reading certain entries to him, Campbell didn’t read my blog. And now that I’ve warned him that he makes cameo appearances, he’s more attentive to what I’m writing. In severe cases this can lead to editorial dictation, which I’ve had happen in previous relationships where not only do the significant others become so invested in their placement as a character in your writing that they try to shape how they’re positioned, but they tell you what to write about everything else too. So if you think you might be dating one of those types, avoid making them a reader of your blog if they’re not already, and avoid all of this shit by just not posting the innocuous thing you wanted to post in the first place.

5) Do Not Try To Be Carrie In Your Blog. I think this one requires no explanation, unless you have a penis, which means you should not try to be Carrie with a penis in your blog.

6) Do Not Become A Relationship Photodump Blog. Look, we love seeing pictures of you and your love, we really do. And we love seeing pictures of your vacations. And the silly faces they make. And how they look with underwear on their head. And… well, maybe not so much how they look on a park bench. Six times in a row. Just because you can. And we could do without the weekly photo essay detailing their morning outing to Starbucks. Pick and choose your photographic mentions of your paramour so you don’t wind up sending your audience running with love nausea – and don’t tell me you don’t do this for readers, ‘cause you know and I know we’re all attention whores to some degree. Remember, it’s quality over quantity. Also…

7) Do Not Become A Boyfriend/Girlfriend Blog. Yes she’s witty, yes he’s sporty, but do we have to hear about it every minute of every day peppered with a hundred different ways for you to say you love them? How about you set them up with a blog so if we really want to know we can see for ourselves? We get it – you’re in love and you share a life together. It’s nauseatingly cute. But there’s other things going on in the world that you can blog about, you know.

8) Do Not Underestimate Your Significant Other’s Parents – They Will Read Your Blog. I also learned this one the hard way with the second relationship… yes, the one where I reported our boudoir antics in relatively colorful details. No matter how old his or her parents are, they’re savvy enough to understand the power of Google, which is how I got busted. I’d immediately gotten branded a cheap, common hooker and put on a shit list the likes of which I’ve still not been wiped from, and all I’d done is written a funny little missive about trying new sex toys. I wonder what would’ve happened had she found some of the other entries I’d written…

9) Do Not Work Out Your Relationship Issues In Your Blog. This one really sticks in my craw. It’s one thing to discuss revelations you’re having, new things you’re experiencing or what you’re discovering about yourself and your relationship, but it’s solely another to take a passive aggressive approach and use your weblog to air your misgivings about the relationship without discussing it with your significant other. A while back I remember reading a couple’s individual blogs wherein they were essentially having a very public fight online that they’d taken to documenting on both their websites, and then carried out by commenting in one another’s comments sections with all their readers chiming in, too. The best part? They lived together. For crying out loud, get off your fucking computer, walk across the living room and talk about it face to face. If you can’t, you’re in the wrong relationship.

10) Do Not Not Write About It. Relationships are absurd – there’s no reason to avoid writing about it altogether, just be wise about what you choose to share online. You’re a smart em effer. You’ll figure it out.

This concludes your tutorial.