Dear California Driver
Dear form letter!
Drivers with crashes and traffic convictions on their records are at greater risk at causing future crashes. Your recent record of bad driving (see below) places you at increased risk of causing crashes, injury and death. We do not want you to suffer those consequences and we want you to avoid them.
Okay. First of all, it was hardly a crash so much as it was a fender bender, but we all know the story on that one (and yes, my insurance company was faulted. Hooray!) Second of all, it was a speeding ticket that I got seven months prior to that little mash. Before that, I had maybe one other ticket in my entire California driving career. That’s it. And now I’m on the list of Drivers With the Potential to Cause Vehicular Manslaughter?
We understand that you may believe that you’re a good driver, and yet your driving record is much worse than the average California driver.
You’re fucking kidding me, right? Are you trying to tell me, DMV, that I’m a worse driver than, say, Lindsay Lohan?
Oh wait, I forgot the golden rule: she who makes the gold can crash her fucking Mercedes three times in three months and not suffer any consequences. And how many people drive without insurance or even driver’s licenses and cause accidents? Right, but those don’t count because with no license and no insurance, there’s no record? Nearly every day I see some absent-minded corporate yahoo driving like a maniac on residential streets while conferencing on his cell phone and trying to work his palm pilot with the free hand that’s not holding a half caf latte no whip but foam from Starbucks, steering his hulking SUV with his knees. My own roommate is more of a hazard than I am! One day when he was driving, we were pulling out of a Starbucks parking lot and – despite my warning him – he nearly hit a cyclist not once, not twice, but three times! His response? “Oh well, they’re worth more points.� Feh! But what the hell – paint the big red D on my chest!
While you may be a good and safe driver most of the time, your record reflects at least momentary lapses in driving judgment.
No shit. That’s why they’re called “accidents� and “I’m sorry, officer, I didn’t know how fast I was going.� What can I say? This year was a bad year that I don’t intend to repeat.
At highway speeds, a moment of carelessness might become a tragedy. Good, caring people who make careless decisions while driving can cause injury or death.
I know, mom.
In our effort to urge you to drive safer, we are offering you a choice. You can choose to prevent further action from the DMV by avoiding additional traffic convictions and by not causing any crashes.
Oh my god… it’s genius! I never thought of that before! Thank you, DMV, for pointing out the obvious! If you hadn’t have said that, I’d be driving over medians and plowing into school kids right now!
However, if you choose to continue your unsafe driving, the penalties will increase and eventually lead to probation, suspension, or revocation of your driver’s license.
Which is why I’ve been diligently not speeding or pegging off elderly in crosswalks, you might notice.
We believe you are capable of making a change to become a safe driver, but it is up to you to do so. If you do not want to change, your driving will continue to present a risk to yourself and to other road users.
I wonder if they have some kind of intervention or dry-out center for people who don’t want to stop being bad drivers?
If you want to change and become a safer, more responsible driver, you can.
Praise the lord!
We hope that you will decide to change, but the choice is yours.
Considering I’ve had no infractions since the last one, I think it’s safe to say that I’m paying more attention and not attempting to break the land speed record. I wonder if Halle Berry got a letter like this after her hit-and-run?
That settles it. I need to become famous so I can get away with more shit.
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