Carly Milne • Blog • "No, no, no. Figgy pudding. It's made with figgs."

December 22, 2005

"No, no, no. Figgy pudding. It's made with figgs."

Seeing as I’m so devoted to the holiday – or as one loyal reader termed it, “psychotic about Christmas�? – I figured it might be useful to share a brief tutorial about cards. Namely, what is tasteful to send to your friends and colleagues for a little holiday cheer, and what isn’t? But be forewarned… some of this stuff is definitely not safe for work.

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Let’s start with our first card.

Very simplistic, no? It also doesn’t take a side in the whole Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa thing, which ensures that you will likely not offend anyone, but still express the spirit of the season. Now let’s look inside.

Aww. Very sweet. This was sent to me by one of my corporate clients and his wife. (And while that sounds suspiciously like I’m hooking, it’s actually more boring than that. I write some marketing pap from time to time when the project is interesting and challenging enough.)

Next, let’s look at a card from my body worker (it’s a health thing – don’t read too much into that.)

Sickeningly adorable, but not so much that it makes me want to projectile vomit on it. Inside?

A lovely sentiment – not just courtesy of the writer paid 30 cents to write the greeting, but the personal sentiment added by my body worker, which makes me feel all warm and tingly about not just being another number to her. (Take note on that one, bosses around the world: it helps endear you to your employees when you don’t refer to them as “your name here.�?)

Now here’s a lovely card from my literary agent.

Again, nondenominational. Simplistic. Stylish. And once it’s opened?

More nondenominational cheerfulness on the inside, plus the lovely touch of having everyone from the agency sign it. Although it’s not personalized, I’m hardly insulted. After all, the woman got me a three book deal. I think it’s safe to say we like each other. And a bonus? Part of the proceeds from purchase of the card go to Unicef. Classy.

Now as you all know, I spent some time on the blue side of the Hollywood hills, and yes, they send Christmas cards too. (Porn stars! They’re just like us!) And while I’m hardly a prude – reviewing clown porn will cure one of that quickly – I’m a firm believer that the sanctity of Christmas is something that should not be fucked with. Don’t ask me why I’m a traditionalist in this area. I rarely conform to societal ideals, so forgive me just this one.

Anyway. To my mind, there’s a right way to do this, and a wrong way. So let’s start with the right way.

Slightly slutty and teasing, but it’s vintage and kitschy, so it’s okay. Plus, she’s not totally naked – she’s wearing streamers. And now the inside…

Rather than pretend there’s just one holiday, the fine owner of RetroRaunch.com – who contributed to my book, by the way – calls out all the holiday happenings just to make sure all the bases are covered, and throws in a little dirty joke. It’s more sassy and entertaining than offensive and obscene. (I’m basing this on the assumption that you’re not living in a red state, but even then you’re probably secretly masturbating to it while asking God for forgiveness.)

And now, the other end of the scale. The front seems innocent enough…

…but then you open it.

Oh my.

I think that speaks for itself.

This concludes your tutorial in holiday card giving. Good luck!

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10:34 PM • permalink

Jewel Adams
10:34 PM
Dec 22 2005

Okay, this just kick my blue mood right in the proper spot!
Loved it!
Merry Christmas and just so someone says it
God Bless you and yours :)
Jewel

robyn
10:34 PM
Dec 22 2005

I knew as soon as I scrolled down and saw the very top of the illustration what the card would be like. Santa would be fucking something and jizz would be visible. That particular cartoonist is as recognizable as a type font, and that font is Hustler. But really, wouldn't you be disappointed if they sent a tasteful nudie card? Diluting the brand and all...

Bunny n'Chair
10:34 PM
Dec 22 2005

I always thought President Bush and
Dick Chainy ( sounds like a cock ring ) were
pursuing a kinder more genital nation!
Go CunningLingus Rice !!

Kevin
10:34 PM
Dec 22 2005

Condy, eh?

Well... er... Merry Christmas!

And I've gotta know what a "Body Worker" is.

sandra
10:34 PM
Dec 22 2005

I believe that holiday card mailing of the mass variety is last on my list of "signs that I'm really, truly a grown-up" -- so I refuse. Dammit.

If I do send them at some point, though, I'll remember...tasteful nude = good. Santa fucking Condoleeza Rice (or anyone + her, really) = less fun.

:: jozjozjoz ::
10:34 PM
Dec 22 2005

Now I'm afraid to mail you mine. You might make fun of it!

:: jozjozjoz ::
10:34 PM
Dec 22 2005

Psst - Send me your snail mail addie if you want a card... I don't think I have it!

Carly
10:34 PM
Dec 22 2005

Joz, I got it today! You're definitely a do. :)

Kevin
10:34 PM
Dec 22 2005

Just picked up on your blog from Wil Wheaton and had to comment - the Muppet Christmas album is the best! And what IS a body worker?