For the entertainment of nobody but me, and the fact that I have to write something on this fucking blog before Christmas, tonight I shall liveblog the season finale of Nip/Tuck, which starts in roughly an hour.
Are you quivering with anticipation? I know I am.
No, wait - that's not anticipation, that's hunger.
So previously, we started to once again rehash the Sean and Julia shit, and Matt beat up a tranny. Now the tranny is threatening Sean and Chris to fix her face, until Nurse Linda appears to tell Christian that a box with his name on it is bleeding. I was so hoping it was Gwyneth Paltrow’s head, but alas, no. Next best thing: someone lived out the American dream and started making a science experiment outta Kimbo. Merry Christmas!
7:15
Kit and Chris are hashing it out, but I could care less because they already fucked. Off to Sean and Matt, who’s begging Sean for something to make Jules feel better. Tamiflu! Oh, how timely. So after that and asking that Sean fix Cherry, Matt admits he’s a bad son? Jebus, next you’re going to tell me that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are a sham. Except now we’re back to the Sean and Jules rollercoaster, and everyone but Sean is surprised that Julia doesn’t want to move back in. Is it just me, or is Sean looking Lohanesque skinny while Quentin is looking a little pre-rehab Courtney Love bloated? He’s saying “shit� a lot, which makes me wonder how his fecalphelia slipped under Kit’s radar before, but the gist is he’s the new suspect, which means he’ll be ruled out. Meanwhile, they’ve found Kimbo, and one can only hope she’s incapable of speech.
7:20
Dude! The Carver reversed every surgery she had? That's awesome. Show it!!
7:22
Gross - every procedure from Kimbo's perspective. Now I'm not hungry anymore.
7:27
That Julia dream sequence had no money shot. And seeing an elderly Sean saying, "I'm coming!" killed my girl wood for the rest of this year. Jules is so aborting.
7:28
SHOW HIM KIMBO!
7:32
Meh, that wasn't as bad as I was hoping. I did take a mild amount of joy in hearing Christian tell her he'd make her a 10 again, stopping just shy of saying, "Bitch, you ugly!" Take this shell of a man and turn him back into a bastard, goddammit!
7:37
Sean, I hate to break it to you, but this child you're having with Jules will not grow up healthy and strong, it will grow up emotionally scarred and bitter at the world because his parents are retarded and can't figure out whether to shit or get off the pot.
7:39
Kimbo's in the OR getting fixed up already? Gnarly! That's dedication.
7:41
Tell me she's gonna die on the table.
7:42
Love the coming of age music.
7:44
Thank you, writers, for making Matt not insane anymore. I've had more teen angst than I can handle. Though I have concerns about this mild flirtation, unless you're going to have him embrace this side of himself...
7:46
Okay, bets on what just happened with Quentin's little stripshow? Either Quentin is a Ken Doll, or he's a woman. And if it's the latter, I'm going to holler expletives because we already did this last season with Ava. Oh, and an aside: at what point did it become crystal clear to Sean that Matt actually beat the crap out of Cherry? I thought there was silence on that front... until Cherry let the cat outta the bag.
7:52
Kimbo's denouncing beauty? Jesus, I might actually like her now! And she's rejecting Christian? Score! The pimp is on his way home...
7:53
Ten to one Matt's aryan girlfriend shows up as he's helping Cherry shop for make up.
7:54
Bingo.
7:56
Oh man, now Sean is going to wax poetic on relationships? Like he's the all knowing, all seeing Oz.
7:58
Whew, Quentin doesn't have a dick. Though I wish they'd shown the pic, because it looks fucking hysterical from the waist up. That being said, two words: Strap. On. Not that I know anything about that.
8:01
Each of the castmembers taking off the Carver mask... Nice tease, fuckers.
8:03
While the sadist in me is enjoying watching sorority girls crying into designer hankies with their mangled faces, I find the whimsical, Willy Wonkaesque music discomforting.
8:04
See? I told you it was a fucking strap-on. It's a chick. If it's Liz or Gina I'm gonna be super annoyed. And then I'll get over it. But still!
8:06
I've changed my mind. Quentin has something to do with it. I don't buy his "I've been Carved" act for a minute. Isn't everyone who's been carved paralyzed? He's all bobbing his head like a pagent princess.
8:09
Brunos has been demoted in the credits..? Anyway, they're refusing to fix his scars. And now they're fighting. Verbally, but still. Bonus points to Christian for this line: "So some twink didn't bite it off during a lover's spat?" Or something like that - I'm paraphrasing.
8:13
They relented.
8:13
Matt, don't trust her! She's insane. Run for the hills!
8:14
Shit. Joe Simpson is in the picture. They're gonna fuck him up.
8:16
Sean, seriously - give up the ghost. Quit trying!
8:18
Is the swat team really going to bust into the OR in the middle of surgery? Oh, and by the way - not Liz. Please, not Liz. Also: in the previous scene, I just wanted Sean and Jules' tired, played out storyline to be drowned out by violins and Sascha Baron Cohen doing Borat, singing along loud and off-key.
8:24
Oh jesus, does Kit have to dry-hump everyone? I wish Liz would smack her.
8:25
What To Expect When You're Expecting? What, because after two Jules doesn't know? Ooh, baby issues...
8:28
WHAT!?!
8:30
Quentin better not be fucking working alone, or I'm picketing.
8:31
Or something. I can't think straight. Oh, and poor Matt and Cherry Peck are being tortured by Joe Simpson. Now we all know how Nick felt.
8:36
This had better start making better sense soon.
8:43
Okay, we all knew Quentin was crackers. Actually, I'm not going to finish that, because having it be Quentin alone is too convenient. That being said, Matt is so going to need therapy for having to chop off Cherry's junk in front of Joe Simpson.
9:01
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I don't want to talk about it.
Though I can't wait to see Running With Scissors.
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