Carly Milne • Blog • "Now, we're going to make a new rule. When you come in here and you hear me typing or whether you DON'T hear me typing, or whatever the FUCK you hear me doing; when I'm in here, it means that I am working. THAT means don't come in."

November 21, 2005

"Now, we're going to make a new rule. When you come in here and you hear me typing or whether you DON'T hear me typing, or whatever the FUCK you hear me doing; when I'm in here, it means that I am working. THAT means don't come in."

For three days I’ve been trying to figure out how to express what I feel when I write, but everything I come up with is either cliché or overly dramatic in an over-the-top, Melrose Place meets Bold and the Beautiful kind of way. I’d contemplating saying it was akin to breathing for me – that when I have writers block, it feels like torturous suffocation – but feh. To write that and mean it, I’d have to wear a crocheted shawl, start fanning myself with something and make periodic complaints about having the vapors. And I don’t even know what the vapors are, so how can I have them? Besides, I’m more like Nicholson in The Shining when I can’t get past writer’s block.

Uh, I mean, I’m well-adjusted and would never go after anyone with an axe. *cough*

The thing that I’ve been contemplating for the last month as I go through an interesting career shift is why. Why did I choose this career for myself? Why – when it’s filled with so many twists and turns and rejections that turn into blessings in disguise but by the time they appear I want to tear my hair out – is this the one thing I would rather die than not do?

Over the past year I’ve been really getting sucked into psychology – or more specifically, analyzing why people behave the way they do. This past year has been one of immense challenge and growth for me, hence what prompted the nosiness. I’d like to think I’m becoming more observant of others behaviors and how they affect and interact with my own, but more than that, it’s the why behind those behaviors that fascinate me. And without getting deep into the psychobabble, it probably goes without saying that our childhoods pretty much groom us for what we do for a living.

Me? My story is simple. I was read to from a very early age, and from that moment on I was obsessed with the written word. When most girls were obsessing over getting the latest pair of Guess jeans (and those god awful striped shirts that had “Guess Jeans�? embroidered across them), I was obsessing over writing the perfect query letter. My parents varied between being supportive and not giving a shit, though I’m sure now if you asked them they’d probably say that they encouraged me every step of the way. Having said that, I’ve probably revealed that one of my ticks is being a people pleaser. At one time that may have been true, but not so much anymore… which is why I’ve been thinking about this as I go through another round of querying.

‘Cause here’s the thing: as a publicist, I got to live out a behavior that was constant throughout my childhood – constantly seeking approval. If there’s one job that will constantly have you chasing that imaginary brass ring, it’s being someone’s publicist. Nine times out of ten a client doesn’t know what one actually does, just that they need one because their competition has one. And you can get them covers of magazines, four-page exposés and countless other media mentions, but not really have any way to quantify what you do for them, because really – how can you say that a cover of a magazine equals x amount of sales? There’s no way to really know. And so the client is never satisfied. So I was constantly seeking those two little words: “Good job.�? I know that subconsciously that’s what led me to that path for those three years, because it was something familiar to me. But strangely, it never happens when I write.

Querying magazines is kind of the same thing as seeking approval, because essentially you’re asking for an editor to accept your brainwaves for publication in their rag. So you’re back in that whole imaginary brass ring vicious circle, right? For some reason, no. And I can’t figure out why. Because since the age of fifteen, I’ve had enough rejection letters from magazines to make the world’s biggest paper mache replica of Kimberly Stewart’s engagement ring if I wanted to. But instead of feeling that lovely, beat-down feeling of rejection, it fuels me to figure out how to better approach them next time, how I should craft my pitches differently, and what I can learn from the experience. Maybe it’s because I write to please me first, whereas publicity was meant to please the client.

Who knows. I suppose I could theorize on this until Kim Stewart’s engagement breaks up… roughly two months, which doesn’t seem very long. Wrong analogy, I guess. But Campbell’s mother said something to me this weekend that really struck a chord. Over breakfast at CoCo’s – because Campbell adores their breakfast potatoes – we got to discussing Campbell’s pursuit of golf. He made mention that had he not become discouraged thanks to his former stepfather, he might’ve gone all Tiger Woods and been competing in college. He likened it to me having known that I wanted to be a writer practically in the womb, and his mom asked me about how I nurtured that through childhood, my teenage years, and then into my 20s with everything I had going on in my life.

She then asked me about an upcoming project that I’m working on, and it’s one that’s intensely personal and forces me to not only open up some brutal wounds from my past in a very public way. This somehow segued into a discussion about how to raise a child to be aware of their surroundings, but not sheltered. Naturally I started grousing about Canada.

“The thing that really irritated me about my upbringing is that I had a false sense of security,�? I told her. “People always talk about how safe Canada is, but what they don’t realize is that it’s all smoke and mirrors. They have a low crime rate because crimes aren’t reported and dealt with. It’s not plastered all over the news. It’s all a ruse to keep Canada looking as if it’s this safe, wonderful, peaceful country, and really, it’s a crock. I wasn’t taught that there are bad people out there, I was taught that Canadians are polite and helpful and trustworthy people. And as a result, I went through a lot more shit than I had to.�?

“That’s why you became a writer,�? she said. “Because you wanted to tell people the truth.�?

At that moment, it all made sense.

11:47 PM • permalink

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11:47 PM
Nov 21 2005

Tell people the truth? What kind of candy-ass reason is THAT? I became a writer because I wanted to get free records in the mail. Now THAT'S a life goal.

Seriously, I too knew I wanted to be a writer from the time I was a little kid. I never considered anything else (though I've had other jobs; I'm the only editor I know who can drive a forklift).

Billy Warhol
11:47 PM
Nov 21 2005

as soon as I saw DO NOT come in - I had to come in*

;))

Yer writing is bang on Funny & Real!!

;))

not to sound like some sychophantic suckup but yer real darn good!!

luvv the references to Canada*

thx fer my daily smile!!

Cheers!! Billy ;)) xoxo

Brian
11:47 PM
Nov 21 2005

I also have been writing for most of my life, but never figured out what the goal was, or why or whether it'd fiction or non-fiction. I admire those that get their novels, poetry or novellas published as I write reviews for online music sites, but then I also admire those that write full-length indepth books on fascinating topics such as history, music and film. I love to write both but am not sure if I am as good or knowledgeable as others, plus I put pressure on myself to be original, which is tough as hell. I find your own self-analysis interesting, Carly, as to how it all started for you, but then also what keeps those creative fires burning? It could be the search for truth, but I have found it can also be the need to share yourself with the world.

Carly
11:47 PM
Nov 21 2005

Hey, screw you, Freeman. ;) And thankis, Billy. You give me a large head. (That would sound more perverse if I were a guy.

Brian, I'm the same. I never really knew if I'd ever write fiction or not (though I'm learning now that I want to), but the one constant throughout my career has been first-person journalistic examminations of different things. And regardless of where I go, be it scripting or fiction or whatever, that will always remain a constant in me. As for what keeps the creative fires burning... the challenge. It's always a challenge to figure out what to do next, how do I do it differently than someone else, how can I put a new spin on an old subject. And the day I'm incapable of doing that, someone needs to put me out to pasture or make glue out of me.

But I don't know if it's about sharing myself with the world so much, you know? I feel like if it were, I'd have chosen a more public route and become an on-camera journalist or something... then again, writing has its own kind of exposure, I suppose. Hm. I'll have to think about that one.

pdf
11:47 PM
Nov 21 2005

>Hey, screw you, Freeman. ;)

You had your chance. I showed up to your party solo - you're the one who brought a date. (emoticon implied)

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