Nip/Tuck
Season 3, Episode 6: Frankenlaura

Previously, Christian is arrested, Julia is whiny, Sean is perplexed, Christian is a victim again, and Kit becomes origami.

What a lovely place to start this episode: the morgue. A dude in a suit pulls a woman out of the wall. No, it’s not magic. I don’t know what they call those filing cabinet things they keep dead bodies in. She’s covered, but dude pulls back the cover to reveal…

…she’s missing an arm. “Shark attack?� Christian asks. Or maybe it was Sean, it’s been a while since I saw this eppy. “Uterine cancer,� dude says. Sean and Christian don’t get it, so dude explains: her hubby came back to get her wedding ring, they came down to see if it was left behind before the cremation. As they walk to the crematorium, dude explains they made the storage room a hideaway and discovered four bodies of young women in their 20s and 30s, each missing a limb, all scheduled for cremation months ago but they never quite made it. “Then we found this,� dude says, and lifts a sheet to reveal…

…a headless body made patchwork quilt-style, sewn together from the parts of other girl’s bodies. “It looks like she’s been embalmed,� Sean says. Dude agrees, and comments that he wants to know how he learned to do it, considering it’s not the cremator’s job. “He’s a loner,� dude explains. Yeah, sewing together new people from severed body parts is rarely something social people do. Dude says the deceased’s family have agreed to keep it quiet while they rectify the situation. Sean tells him, “Reconstruction is difficult. We don’t do this kind of work.� “Highly unusual, I know,� Dude says. “I’m willing to pay what you need.� “We’ve had bad press,� Sean says, but Dude is prepared to assuage his fears. “I’m intending on keeping it quiet. If the media caught wind, we’d never recover.� Christian says they could do it after their next surgery, and it would take three or four hours. That’s when the Dude says they can’t locate some of the bodies, they don’t know where the head is, and the creepy cremator isn’t talking. Shite.

“Count back from 10 for me, Mrs. Hassentagen,� Liz says, looking down at the woman on the table beneath her, all ready for surgery. Problem is, she doesn’t understand a whit of what Liz is saying.

Liz tries her hand at German.

“Next time we get a German patient, we should make sure we can understand them,� Liz snarks. “Now that our website is shut down, we don’t have to worry about international customers,� Christian says, followed by Sean pointing out this is their last booked patient. Naturally the two of them bicker about whether or not they can get any more clients, and Christian starts complaining about Sean passing on the crematorium gig. “My nest egg has been cracked and scrambled,� Chris finishes, pointing out Sean’s precarious financial situation, what with his divorce and buying out Julia’s half of the house. “What do we do now?� Chris asks. “Tough decisions, that’s all,� Sean says, and I find it mildly disturbing that they can have this nonchalant conversation while sucking the fat out of a human being, but I guess it’s akin to my days discussing double annals over latte while I worked in porn.

In what I suspect is an ill-advised move, Christian and Gina are walking through the park having coffee. Gina asks how business has been. “Would you want to be operated on by the guy who was accused of being the Carver?� Christian asks. They sit on a bench. Showing a rare bout of compassion, Gina says she did have her life saved by that guy. Look, she’s even kind of happy looking:

Christian says she does look good. She blathers on about eating well and her viral load is good, yadda yadda. “I can’t pay your rent or your car lease any more,� Christian blurts. Predictably, Gina’s face falls. “That’s not funny, asshole.� “I can pay for your prescription but I can’t do anything else,� he says. “After this month you’re on your own.� Guess how she looks now?

Bingo. “You asshole! You are a worthless sack of shit!� Gina, Santa doesn’t visit potty mouths, you know. Chris tells her she shouldn’t have blown through the money. She gets pissed because she wanted to get a loan from him. “I’m finally at the point where I’m going to get my life back together and you have to go and pull the rug out from under me,� she yelps. “This isn’t alimony, you ungrateful bitch,� Christian snaps. “You should be thanking me for the money I did give you!� Yeah! Or no. Gina stands up. “I hope your business goes in the shitter and you have to come crawling to me for a job.� As what? A raging bitch? Looks like that position is taken.

At some old folks home, Sean is giving a speech on plastic surgery. This is reaching, so I’m not going to dignify it with attention. Sean’s trying to pitch seniors on getting plastic surgery? Sean!? He’s not Christian, fer cryin’ out loud. Even he loses it at the end.

Elsewhere, there’s a knock at the door. Jules opens it to see…

“Gina! This is a surprise.� Oh, it so fucking is not. Like we didn’t see the Gina factor coming from miles away once she knew she couldn’t squeeze Christian for ducats. Jules lets her in and the two sit with their respective coffees. “I can’t believe you didn’t know I was hiv positive,� Gina says after a sip. Jules averts her eyes. “Christian and I aren’t as close as we used to be,� she murmurs. Gina ruminates on that for a moment, then decides to take a different route. “There is something I wanted to tell you,� she says. “I admire you. I’ve been working really hard to put my life together, and I’ve been trying to surround myself with people I respect, and you’re at the top of my list.� Shouldn’t she be adding “asshole� to that sentiment? Pardon me while I gag. Meanwhile, Julia’s not buying it.

She tells Gina she doesn’t know if she needs to be put on a pedestal, but Gina says she has dignity, something she’s always wanted. “Christian told me the business is failing,� she says, which shocks Jules, who says Sean hasn’t said anything. Gina reiterates that the press has been hard on them post Christian’s arrest. She asks about child support and alimony, and Jules says all has been well. “I know Sean would never do anything to hurt his children, but take it from me, there’s a lot to be said for doing something with your money before the money tree gets poison oak,� Gina tells her, then asks if she’s thought about what to do with her chunk of the divorce settlement. I smell a rat.

“I wish you’d have called me before you went to Dr. Jordan,� Christian is saying into the phone. “Next time call me first. Okay. Bye.� Christian hangs up the phone and turns to Sean, who’s standing in the doorway. “I haven’t struck out like this since there was a rumor I had genital warts.� Sean talks about going to the old folks home to drum up business, which I still refuse to talk about, and Chris asks what they’re gonna do. Sean asks how savings are, but they both surmise that they’re fucked. On cue, Liz walks in. “It’s pretty obvious we’re struggling right now, and I’m gonna do my part to help,� she says. Chris brightens up. “Don’t tell me you’re gonna get that nose job.� Liz smiles. “I’m going to resign.� Both Sean and Christian exhibit an expression that suggest they’ve been kicked in the nards. Sean says no, but she insists she’ll still be available from time to time, but she’s leaving by the end of the week. Chris and Sean look like they’ve lost their last friend. “It’s only temporary, I promise.� She says. Christian sighs. �You’re welcome back whenever you want.� Sean chimes in with, “Nine years we’ve all been together, what would we do without you?� Hugs all around. “I’ll miss you too, how about one last insult for old time’s sake?� she asks Christian as he hugs her. Liz pats Sean on the shoulder and walks out, “I’m calling Glen Easley if he’s still available,� Sean says. “We need to take the job at the mortuary.� He walks out. Christian looks down. Presumably at his cock.

Now we’re at a run down building that has promise.

Gina runs down a history of it as she and Julia wander through. The gist? It used to be a tony hotel. She and Gina walk inside. Jules wrinkles her nose. “Is that urine?� Gina ignores her. It looks like a bomb went off in there. Jules asks what happened to it, Gina says with 126 rooms it couldn’t keep up with the resorts “Just hookers and crackheads call it home now,� Gina says, which explains how she knows about it. Jules says she can’t believe someone hasn’t rehabbed it. Gina suggests it’d be a great hotel, then goes for the kill, saying they should do it. “Do you have that kind of money?� Jules asks. Gina says she knows all the people, she just needs a 5% down payment. “What do you think?� Jules laughs. Literally. But Gina continues the sell. “I’m only looking for 40k, you’ll get It back plus interest.� Jules says she never saw this coming, which proves that Jules is the most naïve woman on the planet. No wonder her children run roughshod over her. Gina says the respect thing all over again... and still doesn’t add “asshole� at the end.. “And if I don’t loan you the money?� Jules asks. Gina shrugs. “I can be very resourceful.� Translation: hooking. Jules wanders around, staring at the ceiling, smelling the urine. “You deserve the credit, but without my money you have nothing, so I’ve a proposal for you – I’ll be your partner 50/50,� she says. “But instead of flipping it, we’ll make it a surgical recovery spa.� Gina asks where she cooked up this idea, and Jules regales her with the tale of how they wanted Matt out of recovery so they could use his bed for the next patient. Gina says she doesn’t know how to do something like that, but Jules says no worries – she can worry about it while Gina gets people to give us what they need. Gina grins. “Tell me more.�

Cut. Jules is giving a shaky sales pitch to the boys of Macnamara/Troy. She rattles down the benefits: skin care, massage, gourmet meals, mud baths, etc. Patients will be delivered for pre-op, surgery, blah de blah. “Even with 50% occupancy, we’ll reach a profit by fiscal year three,� Jules says. Sean looks bored. Christian looks bemused. Quentin, meanwhile, looks like he has a boner for Julia.

“You guys have put a lot of work to this,� Quentin says admi4rably with a big pussy-eating grin. Christian pipes up. “I just don’t see what you bring to the business, Gina, happy endings on the massage table?� Finbally – there’s my Gina asshole comment! Christian questions Jules’ involvement, suggesting she’s being taken for a ride, but she says it’s legit. Quentin wants to help – though whether he wants to help them or his penis is not made clear – and Sean says Jules has no experience, pointing out she dropped out of med school twice. “To raise our young children so you could continue your dream to be a doctor,� she spits angrily. Sean says he can’t help them, Jules says it’s happening with or without them. She packs up her shit. Gina gathers hers, and bids them adieu: “Sean, Quentin, scumbag.�

Later, Christian and Sean hang out in the morgue, attaching cadavers to cadavers.

They switch limbs back and forth as… is it Radiohead playing in the background? They’re suitably mopey. Chris drops his utensil and grabs another, tinkers with the vagina and rips something out.

“What is that, a sex toy?� asks Sean. “Well it’s not a Thai spring roll,� Christian quips, which grosses Sean out, because ew, they’re working on cadavers. Sean asks why Christian’s not worried about this kind of work, Christian says they’re rotting flesh and if they had a soul, it’s not there anymore – they’re done. “I’m sorry, but I see people here, and they deserve dignity and respect,� Sean whines. I smell a breakdown coming. Didn’t we already see this in season one? The coroner dude, Glen, comes in tells them there’s a break in the case: the cremator dude will tell them about where the head is because he heard Sean and Chris are doing his work. Seeing as he sees them as kindred spirits, he’ll reveal where the head is to one of them. It’s like Christmas coming early!

Even better: we get a montage now! Jules works…

…while Gina sexually propositions guys.

Jules works, Gina propositions guys, Jules works, Gina flirts and potentially blows a guy, Jules works, Gina wears a low cut shirt and a woman exits the loo smiling. The loo is locked again, Gina walks out and a dude follows. And for some reason, I’m wishing they’d played that “Take It To The Limit� song from Scarface. Alas, the montage has slowed down. “I just got off the phone with Sunset [something] and tile, I’m going to get it at cost,� Gina announces. Jules tells her she’s been impressed with her negotiating skills, “Y’know, catch more bees with honey,� Gina says. I find myself reaching for some kind of snatch joke, but it’s just not coming to me. Jules walks up to some dude who says he has concrete, but he wants to get paid first. “I was also hoping for a hot lunch?� he says hopefully as Jules pulls out her checkbook. “All the guys at the plant wanted to make this delivery when they heard about the pretty lady who placed the order.� I knew construction workers were scatological! Once again showing her naïveté, Jules says the kitchen isn’t ready. He tries again. “How about a tossed salad?� “How about the bill?� she asks. He says he can’t give the discount, Jules says fine and rips out a check.

And once again, we’re in jail. Or rather, Sean is, of course. “Thank you so much for coming, Dr. Macnamara,� says Creepy Cremator. Sean sits. Naturally, he’s looking pained.

Cremator rambles about the warden giving him problems. “What is it you want from me?� Sean asks, cutting to the chase. “Call me Cyrus, I can call you Sean,� he says. “I didn’t come here to chat,� Sean spits. Cyrus says if he wants any info he has to chat with him for quite some time. “I have to say I was impressed to hear that such an esteemed plastic surgeon was disassembling my handy work,� he says, asking what he thought. Sean says it was crude. “I had only the most rudimentary tools at my disposal,� Cyrus says pridefully. Sean tells him he’s sick. Cyrus says he’ll be free in five to ten, and he’s got a lot of life ahead of him. Sean begrudgingly asks how he can help. Cyrus says, “I want you to save her head. She’s very special to me. And I wanna be with her when I’m released. She wanted to be cremated. I just can’t let that happen.� Then Cyrus talks about what happens when people melt. This is gross even by N/T standards. Sean says she’s decomposing. Cyrus suggests cryonics, but Sean says it’s too late. Cyrus insists he might be wrong. “What have I got to loose?� he sighs. “I love her. She is all I have. And I will do everything possible to try and save her. And, and, who are you to try and stop me? I mean, really, Dr. Macnamara? Isn’t what you do the same thing?� Sean says he makes people feel better about themselves, not decay them. He’s got full-on bitch face going. “Then just think of her as another patient,� Cyrus suggests. “She wants to feel better about herself too by living again.� Sean eyes him. “If I agree, will you tell me who she is?� Cyrus cries. “Of course.� Pause. “Her name is Laura.� Another pause. “And she’s my sister.� Grossity gross gross.

Back at the spa, Jules on phone, eying Gina flirting. She finally has enough and slams the phone down to approach the G. “I know what’s going on,� she says, the lightbulb finally going on. “This is a business, and bartering with sexual favors is illegal and dangerous.� Gina says she’s protecting herself, blab la bla about how she’s being safe in her condition. Jules says what she’s been doing makes things harder for women in business. “I want you as a partner because you’re ambitious, smart and you can stand up for yourself, not because you can get a man to sleep with you,� Jules tells her, adding that she doesn’t want anyone to say they don’t deserve it because of her approach. Gina looks baffled. She says she’ll check on the electrician. Just then, Sean appears with divorce papers, or lunch or something… it’s been a while since I saw this ep. “I thought I’d bring it by… see how it’s going,� he says. Why, so you can continue to piss on her parade? Jules tells him she’s on schedule, Sean says he’s impressed. “Congrats,� he says weakly. “Thanks for bringing this by, but I have work to do,� Jules says snippily. But Sean’s in mopey mode.

“I was hoping we could talk. I wanted to apologize at how we treated you the other day.� Sean tells her honestly about their financial issues and admits he hasn’t handled it well, because he’s really on her side. Jules looks cranky now. “That’s funny, you and Christian couldn’t have made it more clear that you don’t believe in me. I’m tired of destroying and resuscitating our relationship over and over. I don’t need you on my side. All you are is a parent to Matt and Annie.� Go Jules. Your balls have finally dropped.

Back at the office, Sean walks in. It’s totally dead. Like, blow a cannon through Mood on Tara Reid’s birthday and not hit anyone dead. Liz walks out with a box. Sean says they took the job at the mortuary, so now she can stay. “I did tell her,� Christian says. “It’s too late.� Liz says she’s taken another job… at Julia’s spa. “What do they need an anesthesiologist for?� Sean asks. “I’m more than just an anesthesiologist,� Liz says with a tinge of annoyance. “I’m their general practitioner.� Sean asks what happens when it falls apart. Way to be supportive, cockmeister. Liz thinks DeLaMer has a real chance of helping people. “You don’t think we’re helping?� Sean demands. “I guess I’m just tired of putting them to sleep,� Liz says. And off she goes.

“Tell me what you don’t like about yourself,� Christian says. The patient?

Yup. “After seeing Dr. Macnamara’s presentation, I think it’d be nice to add some hop to my step,� Biddie says. While a stoic Sean sits looking mopey, Christian launches into the sales pitch, promising to make her look 25 years younger. She says she’s not competitive with daughter. Chris starts the hard sell, trying to talk her into a tummy tuck and whatnot. Meanwhile, Sean looks like he’s going to disintegrate under that black cloud over his head. “Mrs. O, let’s take a step back,� he starts. “These operations dangerous.� Christian jumps in. “More and more seniors are doing it.� “I shouldn’t have encouraged it,� Sean continues, telling her the elasticity in her skin will make things not heal properly, she’ll have issues not smiling, and various other issues. Christian, desperate to save the company, presses her, says she’ll be fine. She says she wants the operations later that day. “Great,� Christian says, and puts her on the books.

Cut to the OR. Quentin looks at Sean, who starts slicing. He asks for scissors. They start cutting. “I’ll have to go deeper,� he laments. “It’ll be fine when we cut the dermis tight,� Christian says, insisting it’ll work. Sean says her skin is too thin and she’s too old. Chris suggests they graft from her thigh. That’s it – Sean puts his utensils down.

“What are you doing?� Christian asks, frowning. “I’m sorry, Christian, I can’t do this anymore,� Sean says, putting down his shit and going into full-on PMS mode. I swear, this guy changes his mind more often than Angelina Jolie changes lovers. “I’ll finish up,� Quentin offers as Christian tries to talk some sense into Sean. “There won’t be a tomorrow,� Sean spits. “Quentin is an excellent surgeon.� Chris asks what precipitated this, causing Sean to come unglued and shout about Cyrus screwing his sister. He recounts the tale about how Cyrus decapitated her. “They found her body this afternoon, to get her ID I had to tell Prime I’d keep her head safe until his release so he could be with her again.� Chris tries to convince him to change his mind, but Sean ain’t having it. “We can’t perform plastic surgery on her,� he cries desperately. “She needs a feeding tube, not a face lift!� Get ready for some violins in three, two… “I keep trying to put the pieces of my life together, Julia, matt, this business… I can’t. Everything I cared about at one time is dead. It’s time I stopped fighting the inevitable and let it all rot.� Thanks for the melodrama, Sean. If I were you I’d get my estrogen level checked. “What are you gonna do?� Christian demands. Sean shrugs. “For the first time in my life, I dunno.� Sean walks out, leaving Christian to once again contemplate his cock.

Cut to Cyrus. Smiling. Thinking. Pets the detached head, in surgeons gear, and attaches it.

Sean’s in the morgue. He attaches the sister’s head to a legless and armless torso.

Cyrus covers the stitches with foundation and brushes her hair, puts mascara on her.

Sean works.

Cyrus make-ups.

Sean removes her head.

Prime kisses it and climbs up top.

Sean puts her head in a box, then puts it in the incinerator. Poetically, he watches it burn.